but… I just cannot, RIGHT now..
My life is a gift.
“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.
You get to choose.”
~Wayne W. Dyer
Thought I would share a little something, the quote above by Wayne Dyer, that helped me a whole lot. Are you a victim of life or do you own your life? Are you simply surviving, or are you a warrior? The choice is yours. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Some can be explained, some simply cannot… Many people spend their whole life just hanging on by a thread. Others use the wisdom they gained and decide to learn to fly like a beautiful butterfly.
Does my past seem like a nightmare to you if you were to compared what each of us has been through? Well, let me explain a little something to you. Nobody should ever compare tragedies. Our worst is what we know. Most people have a very difficult time looking beyond their own personal experiences, hence the word “nightmare”. We all have walked our own personal path to get where we are today. Our level of tolerance is also very different. Yes, my past was horrible and traumatic, but not near as bad as what it may seem to you. It was the only “normal” I knew for a very long time. A better experience seemed like a “fairy-tale” to me.
Now, after reading the horrible stories I have written in past posts and after I just explained what I did to you about my perception and present attitude, do you have a better understanding of why I am who I am today? Do you understand that I am actually very comfortable with my life and in my own body? The painful stories I share here in this blog do not hurt me today. Though I do express the pain I have experienced, I am here in the present and very happy. I appreciate the strength I have gained from the rough journey, but even more, I appreciate and RECOGNIZE it is OVER. God has blessed me very generously with some of the most supportive, encouraging, inspirational people in this world as friends. My husband and children are a dream come true and also better for what they have experienced with me.
This reassurance is all I need. Take a moment and watch with me.
All I do in this blog is simply share the emotions I experienced before I was able to move on in order to bring awareness to a horrible reality in our world that destroys so many who never find their voice and get help that truly is available to them. I want others to feel comfort that they are not alone, I’ve been there and felt the same shame and guilt abusers and the ones who empower them inflict on their prey. None of us have anything to be ashamed of. As you will see in some posts, I do get triggered every once in awhile and write to work through the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The effects of sexual abuse, any abuse for that matter, last for a very long time. If you are a survivor, please rest assured you can overcome even the most unimaginable circumstances and obstacles out there in this world of ours and make all of your dreams come true.
I am extremely thankful for the wisdom gained, better for what I have been through. I would probably not be near as kind, loving, compassionate and accepting if I had not experienced the severe pain and judgement I still have to sometimes live through. I might even be surrounded by tons of toxic people if I didn’t know the dangers that are out there and the possibilities that there are by not being more careful who I allow in my life and the lives of my children. I gained the wisdom that you cannot spot a predator and they can be very charming to lure in their victim. It can be a family member, a close friend, a church leader, a teacher, a neighbor, absolutely anyone out in this world. I learned it doesn’t only happen at night when you are sleeping, it can happen anytime during the course of a day and violation only takes a second to happen. I am always very aware of the people around me and I am different in the way that I see details often missed by others who have not had similar experiences. I also have a whole different way of thinking than most. Typically, I appreciate things and people most take for granted…
I choose to view myself as a warrior, not a victim of uncontrollable circumstances. I choose to look at my life as a gift and a benefit to myself and everyone who knows me. God only gives you what you are strong enough to handle and I sure am here writing this to you today, so it is obvious God knows me better than I know myself. There were so many different times I did not think I would survive. Their were times when I wanted to be dead and end the pain I felt and secret suffering I felt forced to endure. God had a different plan for my life. I did not get to choose who I was born to, or when I would be born. I also realized I have no power over when I will die. It’s all in God’s hands and he alone decides when we have had enough and it is time to go home and join him.
I am not saying that I don’t have bad days. Oh, believe me, I do! I’m just trying to explain that my bad days are not deadly or any more difficult than those who have experienced no trauma at all. My tolerance is higher, or strength as some choose to call it. I simply know life is a gift and I will not give any more power to those who have hurt me. Today and tomorrow are mine. That’s what counts.
Now tell me, is your life a gift? The choice is yours. The choice was mine too.
~Lail Ann Haynes