I know I need to WRITE..

but…  I just cannot, RIGHT now..

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#BEaVOICE

I support RAINN & TWLOHA.
#ANGELSinDISGUISE, as websites. Stay strong and HAVE FAITH.

~I AM STILL HERE~

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CLICK HERE.

#lookUP



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No sugar coating.

Yet, Hope

by Lail Ann Haynes

DO YOU EVER FEEL ALONE??????

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Sometimes I do….

okay,

Most of the time I do…..

okay,

In a few ways,

I always do.

No matter how much goodness you fill your life with,

No matter how good you are,

No matter how wonderful people tell you that you are,

No matter the terrific things you do,

The love and generosity you give so willingly,

No matter….

A part of you always feels

lost,

broken,

damaged,

stolen,

afraid,

strange,

weird,

odd,

different,

ALONE.

Yet, hope….

For the hint of a possibility

to someday???

feel whole for the very first time in your life.

To become one with your shadow

and be okay with that….

The same subconscious thoughts daily from a 31 year survivor of incestuous rape at the hand of the ones she should have been able to trust the most.  Just the facts.  Yes, it really happens.  Yes, there are really bad people out there.  No, it is not a certain class, race, etc. it happens in.  It happens in regular homes too, just like the one right next door to you.  It happens by the ones you would never suspect.  It also happens by the ones you would suspect.

In time true colors always come out.  

Some just choose to turn their heads and look the other way.

That’s what happened to me.

They turned their heads.

All of them.

I’m not alone.

I’ve got my shadow.

So do they….

http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/a-look-at-jerry-sanduskys-victims-and-how-the-jury-ruled-on-each-of-the-48-counts/2012/06/22/gJQAyUxQwV_story.html

(Victim of Jerry Sandusky)

(Matt Sandusky is “a victim of Jerry Sandusky’s abuse”.)

No matter how good life gets,

The hard, cold facts,

For us

Never go away.

They are there waiting with the wake of each brand new day.

I have to be honest.

No sugar coating helps this truth,

No sugar coating RAPE,

I’m sorry to say.

 Yet,

sure,

I’m okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAuNL_ucx7M

Yet, we find a smile again today.

The words for so long I couldn’t find.

GOD‘S GRACE AND MERCY
by Lail Ann Haynes

I sit here in my cozy bed,
Thinking about all the angels that have graced my life.
Though I seldom say her name at all,

My mommy doesn’t fail to cross my mind.

Her name was Karen Louise,
Some would think the worst mother of them all.
She allowed things to happen to me,
Truth be known her back was against a wall.

Her father had violently raped her too,
Many years later I would come to find.
She lived with the secret most of her life,
I would be the one to right the wrong in time.

I was taken away from her at age seven,
And that day she lost her mind.
She lived through hell on earth,
Life was anything but kind.

I watched from miles of distance,
As my father beat the life out of her.
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My mother’s movie star beauty,
Soon became a ghastly blur…

The day they took her from his home,
During the year before the Millennium,
She had lesions scattered all over her skin,
Covered in lice,
No control of her bowels,
Starved to skeleton thin…

Less than one year later,
She admitted the truth secretly,
What she had witnessed my father,
And another man doing to five-year old me.
I did not think I could ever forgive her,
Alive I did not want to be.

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Four years later she got deadly sick,
And in my heart I knew it was time,
To tell her the truth that I had forgiven her sin,
And loved her regardless of the broken line.

She wasn’t awake for my confession,
She was in a coma the entire night.
Her hand in mine I felt that gentle squeeze,
Before God decided to turn out the light…

I prayed for God to give my mommy wings,
So to Heaven she could fly.
He had already made her an angel,
For forgiveness she had already asked,
And I know for eternity she will live,
True Christians never die.

Dear 18 year old Me:

Dear 18 year old Me:

Exactly 18 years ago today we celebrated you finally becoming an adult.  If I could only let you know that child inside you will be crying for another 17 years before the adult in you is truly born to dry those tears away.  Life will not be easy by any means, but it will be worth it beyond your wildest dreams, I guarantee.  You just don’t know what a successful life is yet.  It will be awhile…

I’m so sorry for the secrets you feel you needed to keep to protect others.  You do not deserve the abuse you are living through right now.  I wish you could see the truth and overcome the defeat your older brother has poisoned your mind with.  You are so much stronger than you think.  Someday you will see exactly what I mean.

I’m so sorry you are able to smile and fool everyone into believing you are okay.  I wish you could find somebody to tell those deadly secrets to…  I wish you didn’t have so many years of hidden truths ahead of you…  However, I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that in time everything truly will be better and you will find that love and happiness you so desperately want and need.

You are not an Atheist or Agnostic, by the way.  Hell, Lail, you don’t really even know what either of those words mean!  Shoot, you think you want tons of diamonds, but that will all change down the road when you realize you actually are one of the most priceless diamonds put on earth.  If you only knew your worth….

Honestly, you are still just a young child regardless of the number you celebrate today.  I sure wish you would trust Preacher Bob, just give him even a slight chance, and open up your heart to meet your true Father, God, who lives in Heaven and is very much alive inside of you too.  I sure wish you wouldn’t get that stupid tattoo….

and I sure wish you would not pick up smoking.  It’s a horrible habit and you are going to go through pure hell trying to quit….  Your health will suffer because of so many poor choices.  I wish you wouldn’t subconciously be trying to commit suicide….  You deserve everything good in life.  There are lives that need you….

Do you remember when you were 15 and you first became a pageant queen?  Well, honey, that interview question you answered so oddly from the others is going to come true and will be your very essence of life, your air.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  

“All I truly want is to be the very best wife and mother I can be.”

There is so much more I could say to you, but I won’t.  I want you to live and life is full of ups, downs, and all arounds.  Those experiences you will have are the beauty of life, they are meant to happen.  YOU were meant to happen too.

I know 18 years down the road you will see life the way you should, the way God intended from the beginning.  You will have wisdom from experiences even you can’t imagine right now.  Wisdom is priceless.  You will be loved beyond your wildest desires, because one day you will realize you are pure love.  Someday you will see the truth about both love and beauty….

and the good news is you will have some unbelievable and unimaginable stories to tell if you so choose.

ALLOWING LOVE AFTER ABUSE **9-3-13**

You will realize you actually do have choices.

May you always choose life.

I love you.

Happy birthday.

Friends forever,

36 year old Me

PS

“The only TRUE sign of success is happiness.” -Lail Ann Haynes

😉

*wink*

Pick your bed and battles wisely.

very anxious to get past that last post….  Time to move on.

I remember one of the most painful statements ever said to me like it happened yesterday,

“You made your bed, now lie in it.”

Still hurts hearing those words echo in my mind…

I was 21 years old, back in college, and pregnant with my second child.  I had ended up in an extremely abusive marriage to my now very ex-husband, Scott. I had gone to my family for help because I couldn’t imagine bringing another child into that situation. God is the only reason I have my amazing son today.

God is the only reason I am alive.

Well, Gail was right to say that to me. Three years prior at the way too young age of 18, I had dropped out of a very private, exclusive, extremely expensive school and thrown a quickly growing modeling career in the trash without a second thought to marry a military man I hardly knew. I was madly in “puppy love” with a man I thought was my “Knight In Shining Armour”,   In pursuit of my fairy tale life, eager to start my own family, I fell into the arms of a man who would mentally, physically and sexual abuse me for over five years until I could find a way to escape.

It was cruel what my grandfather who raised me did, but because I got out of that marriage on my own, I know now there isn’t anything that I am not capable of doing if I set my mind to it and want it with all my heart.

You can too, but….

Pick both your bed and your battles wisely. 😉

“You can’t control the people around you, but you certainly can control who you decide to be around. The same is true for the situations you choose to remain engaged in. The key to ending these situations is not in changing the behavior of other people ― the solution is actually within you.

When you find yourself continuously interacting in dissatisfying situations, examine your motivations for remaining engaged in them; the reasons may surprise you. Then focus your attention on the one thing that IS under your control: The power to choose what you will and will not tolerate. ”

¤A. Irvin @ Chrysalides¤

I spent many years running from one nightmare to another.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Find out the pain inside of you now,

why you do what you do.

Face your demons,

conquer them,

and trust God’s ability to heal.

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http://www.CreatingTheBestYou.wordpress.com

Rise up like a skyscraper!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4GF23tthMk

“Ultimately, the only one who can defeat you is YOU.”

-Lail Ann Haynes

I didn’t get this tat for no reason.

If you have been reading my blog from the start, you are very familiar with the sickness my older, adopted brother has and the incestuous rape I only found strength to escape from two years ago last month.  Some days it feels like ages ago, but on days like today it feels like it just happened yesterday…  I’m really struggling with rejection today from one person I care about and I’m struggling with being controlled by another.  Not a fun day in my world….

I didn’t get this tat for no reason…

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As a survivor of sexual abuse, the memories and clips of instances haunt me ever single day no matter how strong my mind is or how much knowledge I try to fill it with daily to help me understand and try to overcome the damage that was done.  It’s definitely not one’s mind that is broken more than temporarily, it is ones heart that is covered with deep, ugly scars that seem to never heal as time passes by…

Sometimes this tender heart of mine gets me into a whole heap of trouble.  I want so desperately to believe in people, to find that good in them and believe that good is always victorious over evil.  I wanted so terribly to believe my older brother really had changed over the years I had not seen him as my maternal family insisted he had…  My forgiving heart has led me in the wrong direction too many times for me to list for you, but I will tell you of one very painful instance that make me sick to my stomach, almost causing me to puke just thinking about sharing it with you.  I will fight to find the strength to release my story and free myself from his chains of cockiness and threats that have silenced me for so many years.  

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It was a scorching hot, June day in 2005.  Living 18 miles from town on thousands of acres of land, founded and built up by my maternal side of the family since 1901, there was no sense in me worrying about my typical daily attire of a cute sports bra and matching, light-weight running shorts.  The closest neighbor, The Taylors’, who ran the Chain Ranch that neighbored ours, were only seen on those seldom drives to town, with a passing wave, when I was desperate for a Diet Coke or pack of cigarettes.  However, on that day my light attire wasn’t even breezy enough to fight off the unbearable heat that had been isolated in my almost 3,000 square foot Solitaire…  

After only one year, the damn air conditioner in my new home was not working at all!  I was hot, my three young children were beyond hot and making it worse for themselves as they chased each other around like little puppies heeding my warnings and tender discipline. The only heating and air guy I knew had told me he would not be able to make it out that day and I would be on a waiting list he hoped he could get to the next day at the earliest.  It appeared everyone in North West Oklahoma was having issues with staying cool and he was the only go-to guy servicing our desolate area.  Out of desperation, I decided to “take a leap of faith” and call my older brother, an ex Marine and also heating and air guy.  My stupidity, desperation, and naive forgiveness would be very apparent all too soon….

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You see, it had been six years since I had been around him, my older brother, at all.  I will not refer to “him” by name to protect myself since the report I filed two years ago was never even sent to the county DA by the local Sheriff who was more than likely paid to protect him.  I know for sure all the other victims like myself have been paid off, as well as connections in the judicial system my older, adopted, attorney sister had secured over the years.  Oh, that’s just another silent bit of knowledge in the Gore family, forbidden to be brought up under any condition.  I assume the young sheriff and my older brother are hunting buddies by all the stories the locals have told me since the report was dismissed casually and I was informed it was mysteriously lost by that egotistical asshole voted to be in charge of the shitty legal system out there in rural BFE.

“Anger is simply a result of deep rooted pain.” ~Lail Ann Haynes

“Why had it been six years since I had been around my older brother?”, you wonder.  Well, in September of 1999, I finally confronted him about the years and years sexual abuse in front of my closest of my family members.  There were eight of the adults present at my grandfather’s birthday to be exact as I recall:  my now ex-husband, my aunt and uncle, my older sister and her husband, my gradfather who had raised us four kids, and my longest time abuser.  What did they do when I pointed to my older brother in rage after learning my older sister had convinced Gail to disinherited my troubled, younger, biological brother from receiving any of the family fortune???  Of course that greedy, money possessed sister of mine wouldn’t mind getting a larger piece of the family fortune.  If only I had known at 23 what I now know at 35, money is of so very little value in all reality….  

“If anyone here should be disinherited, it’s that mother fucker right there                                                             

who has been raping me since I was seven years old!!!”

They all got up, as if on cue, and went to my sister’s pretty table to eat the birthday cake I had so carefully decorated with little, plastic, Black Angus cattle.  Those precious little replicas …..

Imagelittle, black cows I had so carefully selected with love for Gail’s birthday cake ….  were treasured representatives of my grandfather’s passion for the legacy that had been built since 1901.  Not one word was said to me after my humiliating outburst revealing the only ammunition my violent husband at the time had to hold over my head and chain me to the violent marriage I had committed to almost five years before.  As I stood there silently watching the family I loved so dearly happily serving cake as if nothing important had been said, the tears I did not want to shed streamed down my face as my fragile heart broke into a million little pieces…   The reality that they could care less burned deep into my entire existence standing in that home I never liked from the time it was built.  It was cold, just like my money mongrel sister.  

I realized my worst fear was becoming a living, breathing, smirking nightmare.  Yes, my older brother had correctly predicted I would not be helped by my beloved family, MY biological family.  I still see that sly grin on his face taking sneaky glances at me standing there in tears with my chin splattered on my older sister’s expensive neutral colored carpet and my tender heart completely destroyed… all my hopes for comfort and the dream of eventually receiving protection shattered as I stood there heaving sobs in total disbelief…  and my secretly violent, now ex husband, the only one there to comfort me…

“I just told you he has been raping me all this time and you aren’t going to do ANYTHING?!!!!!!!”

“It’s not that we don’t believe you, Lail .  We just had no idea.”  

“Go catch your breath and come back and enjoy the party.”


“Give us time to digest this.”

It still hurts as I type the memories of my uncle’s response to my desperate scream on this triggering black keyboard and remember the love, compassion and protection I so desperately longed for at that moment was never received.  The whole damned family sat there at that nicely decorated dining table eating that beautiful cake, making sure my adored, charming, still smirking older brother had an appropriate sized piece and a napkin to place on his lap to protect his precious designer jeans….  Why was I shocked???  Would you be in my situation???

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

That is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone what happened on that scorching hot, summer day, with my three children playing in their rooms as their uncle revealed there was a cost for his service at my request he fix my air conditioner and fill it with freon….  I wasn’t worthy of being treated any better.  

Why???

You tell me, please…

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“All our rough journeys are simply boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.”                                                                         ~Lail Ann Haynes

If you want to help me, help me stop abusers from continuing to have power over us.

Break the silence.

Stop abusers from being empowered.

Raise awareness to the reality that this happens in homes around our globe.

There is no discrimination.

The horror of sexual abuse cares not about class or color.

All abusers want is power.

Silence is deadly.

Watch and listen to Damaged by Plumb for a second with me, please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAuNL_ucx7M

Thank you for caring.