but… I just cannot, RIGHT now..
Yesterday, my beautiful, oldest daughter came home from work needing to talk. She told me two women at her work have Fibromyalgia. As I write this, I see the deep worry in Abbie’s large, almond shaped eyes. She was close to tears as she looked at me, a fragile shell of the woman I was only a year and a half ago.. She simply said, “Mommy, they are not even close to as sick and weak as you are..”. I could easily tell my strong, courageous daughter was more than a little scared.
I knew her fear well. I have met so many with Fibromyalgia since autoimmune dis ease reared it’s ugly head the fall of 2011. One after the other, God placed these warriors in my life, my fibro family. I pray for all of them to be healed every single day. It will happen.
There are over 80 autoimmune dis eases, and so far I have three. No, I have not met one person with a case as severe as mine. I reminded Abbie that the 31 years of abuse and prolonged, severe stress are not easy for a body to withstand.. I wish I had stopped it all sooner… My body just took all it could bear for awhile. God decided it is time I rest..
I do not like it that my children have to watch me suffer and fight every single day just to have somewhat of a “normal” life. However, I do know God makes messages out of messes. I will show these children that there is nothing that they cannot handle. God is so much bigger than any obstacle that comes our way.
I don’t like this dis ease at all, but I accept whatever is in God’s will. People say there is no cure. Oh, YES THERE IS!! Look up.
My 2012 Theme Song is for a few more days, still I WAS HERE, by Beyonce..
Click the link below to listen, please.
Yes, I believe I left my footprints on the sands of time..
2012 has been very challenging,
I refuse to lie..
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why,
I have to leave tear drops,
During my earthly time..
It came close a few times this year,
To suicide seeming the only hope for mercy near.
Some much needed pain free relief was overdue for me..
Earth Angels surrounded me,
Drying my tears,
Saying I CAN,
When Everything in me screamed,
“I just can’t!!!! I CANNOT!!!”..
I caved in to my blog to share a “Pity Party”,
Not something typical for this country girl,
That is me.
I almost did not share that post,
It made me so vulnerable,
Humble and weak.
Here was the reply from a very special reader I received:
“I came across your blog, (Giggles, Satin & Tear Drops) post “My Pity Party” today while I was having an awful one of my own. I had just typed and entered “fibromyalgia AND suicide” into yahoo search, and there it was. fifth on the list of 6,950,000 results, excluding paid sponsors of course. After reading a few more of your entriess, including “I COMMITTED SUICIDE”, I decided to pour 56 of the 57 xanax sitting on the desk in front of me back into the bottle. I just wanted to let you know that you really made a difference in my life today. I’ve always said, the best thing about Oklahoma (north central, for me) is the beautiful sunsets. Thanks to you, I’ll be watching another one tonight.”
(keeping reader anonymous)
I felt so vulnerable, humble and weak, yet God was powerful and present within me to save that angel’s life.
God bless 2012. I was told in Chinese Astrology this was “The Year of the Dragon“. Looking through that dark tunnel that has been my health issues and learning a new way of life at only 36 years of age, I take back my first impression that this was not my year at all.
Through me, God saved at least ONE LIFE. It doesn’t get better than that at all.
Pauses In Life
by Lail Ann Haynes
A red light.
An annoying pause.
DAMNED red light!!!
Before pulling up to that light,
Preparations had to be made:
What direction would be the best to go?
Your goal is to move forward,
Not in reverse.
Life is full of intersections,
There’s always a chance of hitting a red light.
Green WILL soon follow,
The more prepared you are,
The easier the lane changes
the smoother the trip.
When you find yourself unprepared,
It’s really simple:
That red light is a blessing in disguise.
Recognize your blessing.
Take a moment to relax.
You can’t go wrong if you move forward.
Your poised again and ready.
You should have gone left instead of straight?
Calmly make a U-turn,
And move forward once again.
You needed that red light and didn’t even know it.
Thank God for pauses in life.
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Wayne W. Dyer
Do I feel this way every single day??? Hell no!!! but… when I find myself slipping into depression, I have a nice reminder tattooed on the inside of my left forearm in big, scroll lettering that keeps me focused on my blessings. There have been so many days lately I have needed that reminder…
Unless it happens to you, you really can’t truly understand….
I am so thankful for my friends who do….
That one man pity party sure isn’t fun!!!
No, not the years of rape I endured.
No, this is a whole new form of torture: Fibromyalgia.
You have no idea the horror of this disease.
My pity party question:
“Why me, God???
Haven’t I been through enough???
I’m not a bad person.
I could understand this if I was bad.
They hurt me.
Please punish them and set me free!!!!
I don’t even know how to allow myself to be sad anymore. I have been crying since Friday and I promise this is way beyond sad and I feel like the biggest piece of shit, weak failure alive. So much has happened, it’s absolutely freakin’ ridiculous at this point…. and now this?! Fibromyalgia…
I just want to be healthy again. If I could have just one wish…. I would be healthy again like last year. Everything was going just fine and I was even on my way to a career in nutrition and helping others live healthy lives until I hit the red light. Now, every single day is a physically painful challenge. Oh, there are good days. Not pain-free, but good. Way more bad than good though. Reminds me of my years as a child.
No more runs on the trails with my Malamute, Wolfe. No, Wolfe had to go to a new home. No longer could I handle his energy. I miss Wolfe….
Can you truly imagine living in chronic pain with no medication to give you relief? No. I promise you can’t. I used to feel good like you do. I never in my wildest dreams imagined the horrors of Fibromyalgia, that DAMNED red light….
You have Fibromyalgia too???
You have had it for 17 years and you do really well???
I’ve heard it quite a few times since the beginning of the year.
You don’t relate to me???
Well, THANK GOD FOR YOU!!!!
THIS, I WOULD WISH ON MY WORST ENEMY, I WILL NOT LIE!!!!
If I could, I would give you a “Brownie Badge” myself. Don’t I feel special being the worst damn case scenario in every crisis that happens in my life?… NO, I DON’T!!!! I HURT AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER MORE DAYS THAN I DON’T AND I FEEL SO ALONE AND HELPLESS AND THIS IS SO UNFAIR TO MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN AND I CAN’T WORK ANYMORE AND WE ARE SO FINANCIALLY POOR BECAUSE OF ME AND…… i just don’t understand why….
Thank you for your help and miracle cures that just have to work, my friends, but it just makes me feel worse when it doesn’t work and I have to break the news to you that once again I’m stuck at a red light, fighting to move forward and not to just give up and say “farewell.” to a life that was cursed from the start.
Yeah, yeah…. I know better than that, but I am so far from perfect and I have those moments when…. when…. …… when I can’t fight that pity party from setting in… weak, huh?
Thanks a whole lot, Satan, for collecting that jar of hearts.
I’m going to have a lot of fun kicking your ass again and taking them back.
You can’t go wrong as long as you keep moving forward….
“Never to suffer would never to have been blessed.”
Edgar Allan Poe