I miss my mom..

Though, I only had her for the first seven years of my life..  to this day, I see her beautiful face..  every rainbow God ever designed.. . . .  Karen was her name.. . I need her back..  God just will not co-operate..  Acceptance..  .  .  FUCK LIFE.

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I may be a MINISTER.. BUT GOD KNOWS I AM SO VERY HUMAN, TOO. I HURT JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I ONLY SHARE MY PAIN WITH ONE OR TWO. GOD LOVES US ANYWAY. HE DESIGNED US. I WILL LIFT MY CHIN UP!!!!! GOD TRUSTS ME… SOMETIMES, I FEEL…… TOO MUCH.

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Dear 18 year old Me:

Dear 18 year old Me:

Exactly 18 years ago today we celebrated you finally becoming an adult.  If I could only let you know that child inside you will be crying for another 17 years before the adult in you is truly born to dry those tears away.  Life will not be easy by any means, but it will be worth it beyond your wildest dreams, I guarantee.  You just don’t know what a successful life is yet.  It will be awhile…

I’m so sorry for the secrets you feel you needed to keep to protect others.  You do not deserve the abuse you are living through right now.  I wish you could see the truth and overcome the defeat your older brother has poisoned your mind with.  You are so much stronger than you think.  Someday you will see exactly what I mean.

I’m so sorry you are able to smile and fool everyone into believing you are okay.  I wish you could find somebody to tell those deadly secrets to…  I wish you didn’t have so many years of hidden truths ahead of you…  However, I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that in time everything truly will be better and you will find that love and happiness you so desperately want and need.

You are not an Atheist or Agnostic, by the way.  Hell, Lail, you don’t really even know what either of those words mean!  Shoot, you think you want tons of diamonds, but that will all change down the road when you realize you actually are one of the most priceless diamonds put on earth.  If you only knew your worth….

Honestly, you are still just a young child regardless of the number you celebrate today.  I sure wish you would trust Preacher Bob, just give him even a slight chance, and open up your heart to meet your true Father, God, who lives in Heaven and is very much alive inside of you too.  I sure wish you wouldn’t get that stupid tattoo….

and I sure wish you would not pick up smoking.  It’s a horrible habit and you are going to go through pure hell trying to quit….  Your health will suffer because of so many poor choices.  I wish you wouldn’t subconciously be trying to commit suicide….  You deserve everything good in life.  There are lives that need you….

Do you remember when you were 15 and you first became a pageant queen?  Well, honey, that interview question you answered so oddly from the others is going to come true and will be your very essence of life, your air.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  

“All I truly want is to be the very best wife and mother I can be.”

There is so much more I could say to you, but I won’t.  I want you to live and life is full of ups, downs, and all arounds.  Those experiences you will have are the beauty of life, they are meant to happen.  YOU were meant to happen too.

I know 18 years down the road you will see life the way you should, the way God intended from the beginning.  You will have wisdom from experiences even you can’t imagine right now.  Wisdom is priceless.  You will be loved beyond your wildest desires, because one day you will realize you are pure love.  Someday you will see the truth about both love and beauty….

and the good news is you will have some unbelievable and unimaginable stories to tell if you so choose.

ALLOWING LOVE AFTER ABUSE **9-3-13**

You will realize you actually do have choices.

May you always choose life.

I love you.

Happy birthday.

Friends forever,

36 year old Me

PS

“The only TRUE sign of success is happiness.” -Lail Ann Haynes

😉

*wink*