My Pity Party.

Pauses In Life

by Lail Ann Haynes

An intersection.

A red light.

An annoying pause.

……

.

Late?

Frustrated?

DAMNED red light!!!

Before pulling up to that light,

Preparations had to be made:

What direction would be the best to go?

Regardless,

Your goal is to move forward,

Not in reverse.

Life is full of intersections,

AND

There’s always a chance of hitting a red light.

However,

Green WILL soon follow,

Rest assured.

The more prepared you are,

The easier the lane changes

AND

the smoother the trip.

When you find yourself unprepared,

It’s really simple:

That red light is a blessing in disguise.

Recognize your blessing.

Pause,

Take a moment to relax.

Regroup,

Move forward.

You can’t go wrong if you move forward.

Your poised again and ready.

You should have gone left instead of straight?

Calmly make a U-turn,

And move forward once again.

You needed that red light and didn’t even know it.

Thank God for pauses in life.

 

 “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Wayne W. Dyer

Do I feel this way every single day???  Hell no!!!  but…  when I find myself slipping into depression, I have a nice reminder tattooed on the inside of my left forearm in big, scroll lettering that keeps me focused on my blessings.  There have been so many days lately I have needed that reminder…

Unless it happens to you, you really can’t truly understand….

I am so thankful for my friends who do….

That one man pity party sure isn’t fun!!!

No, not the years of rape I endured.

No, this is a whole new form of torture:  Fibromyalgia.

You have no idea the horror of this disease.

My pity party question: 

“Why me, God??? 

Haven’t I been through enough??? 

I’m not a bad person. 

I could understand this if I was bad. 

They hurt me.

Please punish them and set me free!!!!

Why???”

I don’t even know how to allow myself to be sad anymore.  I have been crying since Friday and I promise this is way beyond sad and I feel like the biggest piece of shit, weak failure alive.  So much has happened, it’s absolutely freakin’ ridiculous at this point….  and now this?!  Fibromyalgia…

I just want to be healthy again.  If I could have just one wish….  I would be healthy again like last year.  Everything was going just fine and I was even on my way to a career in nutrition and helping others live healthy lives until I hit the red light.  Now, every single day is a physically painful challenge.  Oh, there are good days.  Not pain-free, but good.  Way more bad than good though.  Reminds me of my years as a child.

No more runs on the trails with my Malamute, Wolfe.  No, Wolfe had to go to a new home.  No longer could I handle his energy.  I miss Wolfe….

Can you truly imagine living in chronic pain with no medication to give you relief?  No.  I promise you can’t.  I used to feel good like you do.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined the horrors of Fibromyalgia, that DAMNED red light….

You have Fibromyalgia too??? 

You have had it for 17 years and you do really well??? 

I’ve heard it quite a few times since the beginning of the year.

You don’t relate to me??? 

Well, THANK GOD FOR YOU!!!! 

THIS, I WOULD WISH ON MY WORST ENEMY, I WILL NOT LIE!!!!

If I could, I would give you a “Brownie Badge” myself.  Don’t I feel special being the worst damn case scenario in every crisis that happens in my life?…  NO, I DON’T!!!!  I HURT AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER MORE DAYS THAN I DON’T AND I FEEL SO ALONE AND HELPLESS AND THIS IS SO UNFAIR TO MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN AND I CAN’T WORK ANYMORE AND WE ARE SO FINANCIALLY POOR BECAUSE OF ME AND……  i just don’t understand why….

Thank you for your help and miracle cures that just have to work, my friends, but it just makes me feel worse when it doesn’t work and I have to break the news to you that once again I’m stuck at a red light, fighting to move forward and not to just give up and say “farewell.” to a life that was cursed from the start.

Yeah, yeah….  I know better than that, but I am so far from perfect and I have those moments when….  when….   ……  when I can’t fight that pity party from setting in…  weak, huh?

Thanks a whole lot, Satan, for collecting that jar of hearts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3H21fj0hQRM

I’m going to have a lot of fun kicking your ass again and taking them back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

Red light.

Pause.

Regroup.

Move forward.

You can’t go wrong as long as you keep moving forward….

Right???

“Never to suffer would never to have been blessed.”  
    Edgar Allan Poe

Helpful Links:

http://www.twloha.com/

http://www.fmnetnews.com/

http://rainn.org/

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6 responses to “My Pity Party.

  1. I came across your blog, “My Pity Party” today while I was having an awful one of my own. I had just typed and entered “fibromyalgia AND suicide” into yahoo search, and there it was. fifth on the list of 6,950,000 results, excluding paid sponsors of course. After reading a few more of your entriess, including “I COMMITTED SUICIDE”, I decided to pour 56 of the 57 xanax sitting on the desk in front of me back into the bottle. I just wanted to let you know that you really made a difference in my life today. I’ve always said, the best thing about Oklahoma (north central, for me) is the beautiful sunsets. Thanks to you, I’ll be watching another one tonight.

  2. It is okay to have that pity party and let out those pent up emotions. We all do it. In one way or another we all go through these times of extreme difficulty. We are human and it is part of our nature. The ebb and flow. Always remember that you are much stronger than you think and you are loved by many and a blessing to so many! ❤

    P.S. Love the analogy with the light. :O)

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