The words for so long I couldn’t find.

by Lail Ann Haynes

I sit here in my cozy bed,
Thinking about all the angels that have graced my life.
Though I seldom say her name at all,

My mommy doesn’t fail to cross my mind.

Her name was Karen Louise,
Some would think the worst mother of them all.
She allowed things to happen to me,
Truth be known her back was against a wall.

Her father had violently raped her too,
Many years later I would come to find.
She lived with the secret most of her life,
I would be the one to right the wrong in time.

I was taken away from her at age seven,
And that day she lost her mind.
She lived through hell on earth,
Life was anything but kind.

I watched from miles of distance,
As my father beat the life out of her.

My mother’s movie star beauty,
Soon became a ghastly blur…

The day they took her from his home,
During the year before the Millennium,
She had lesions scattered all over her skin,
Covered in lice,
No control of her bowels,
Starved to skeleton thin…

Less than one year later,
She admitted the truth secretly,
What she had witnessed my father,
And another man doing to five-year old me.
I did not think I could ever forgive her,
Alive I did not want to be.


Four years later she got deadly sick,
And in my heart I knew it was time,
To tell her the truth that I had forgiven her sin,
And loved her regardless of the broken line.

She wasn’t awake for my confession,
She was in a coma the entire night.
Her hand in mine I felt that gentle squeeze,
Before God decided to turn out the light…

I prayed for God to give my mommy wings,
So to Heaven she could fly.
He had already made her an angel,
For forgiveness she had already asked,
And I know for eternity she will live,
True Christians never die.


Dear 18 year old Me:

Dear 18 year old Me:

Exactly 18 years ago today we celebrated you finally becoming an adult.  If I could only let you know that child inside you will be crying for another 17 years before the adult in you is truly born to dry those tears away.  Life will not be easy by any means, but it will be worth it beyond your wildest dreams, I guarantee.  You just don’t know what a successful life is yet.  It will be awhile…

I’m so sorry for the secrets you feel you needed to keep to protect others.  You do not deserve the abuse you are living through right now.  I wish you could see the truth and overcome the defeat your older brother has poisoned your mind with.  You are so much stronger than you think.  Someday you will see exactly what I mean.

I’m so sorry you are able to smile and fool everyone into believing you are okay.  I wish you could find somebody to tell those deadly secrets to…  I wish you didn’t have so many years of hidden truths ahead of you…  However, I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that in time everything truly will be better and you will find that love and happiness you so desperately want and need.

You are not an Atheist or Agnostic, by the way.  Hell, Lail, you don’t really even know what either of those words mean!  Shoot, you think you want tons of diamonds, but that will all change down the road when you realize you actually are one of the most priceless diamonds put on earth.  If you only knew your worth….

Honestly, you are still just a young child regardless of the number you celebrate today.  I sure wish you would trust Preacher Bob, just give him even a slight chance, and open up your heart to meet your true Father, God, who lives in Heaven and is very much alive inside of you too.  I sure wish you wouldn’t get that stupid tattoo….

and I sure wish you would not pick up smoking.  It’s a horrible habit and you are going to go through pure hell trying to quit….  Your health will suffer because of so many poor choices.  I wish you wouldn’t subconciously be trying to commit suicide….  You deserve everything good in life.  There are lives that need you….

Do you remember when you were 15 and you first became a pageant queen?  Well, honey, that interview question you answered so oddly from the others is going to come true and will be your very essence of life, your air.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  

“All I truly want is to be the very best wife and mother I can be.”

There is so much more I could say to you, but I won’t.  I want you to live and life is full of ups, downs, and all arounds.  Those experiences you will have are the beauty of life, they are meant to happen.  YOU were meant to happen too.

I know 18 years down the road you will see life the way you should, the way God intended from the beginning.  You will have wisdom from experiences even you can’t imagine right now.  Wisdom is priceless.  You will be loved beyond your wildest desires, because one day you will realize you are pure love.  Someday you will see the truth about both love and beauty….

and the good news is you will have some unbelievable and unimaginable stories to tell if you so choose.


You will realize you actually do have choices.

May you always choose life.

I love you.

Happy birthday.

Friends forever,

36 year old Me


“The only TRUE sign of success is happiness.” -Lail Ann Haynes



Pick your bed and battles wisely.

very anxious to get past that last post….  Time to move on.

I remember one of the most painful statements ever said to me like it happened yesterday,

“You made your bed, now lie in it.”

Still hurts hearing those words echo in my mind…

I was 21 years old, back in college, and pregnant with my second child.  I had ended up in an extremely abusive marriage to my now very ex-husband, Scott. I had gone to my family for help because I couldn’t imagine bringing another child into that situation. God is the only reason I have my amazing son today.

God is the only reason I am alive.

Well, Gail was right to say that to me. Three years prior at the way too young age of 18, I had dropped out of a very private, exclusive, extremely expensive school and thrown a quickly growing modeling career in the trash without a second thought to marry a military man I hardly knew. I was madly in “puppy love” with a man I thought was my “Knight In Shining Armour”,   In pursuit of my fairy tale life, eager to start my own family, I fell into the arms of a man who would mentally, physically and sexual abuse me for over five years until I could find a way to escape.

It was cruel what my grandfather who raised me did, but because I got out of that marriage on my own, I know now there isn’t anything that I am not capable of doing if I set my mind to it and want it with all my heart.

You can too, but….

Pick both your bed and your battles wisely. 😉

“You can’t control the people around you, but you certainly can control who you decide to be around. The same is true for the situations you choose to remain engaged in. The key to ending these situations is not in changing the behavior of other people ― the solution is actually within you.

When you find yourself continuously interacting in dissatisfying situations, examine your motivations for remaining engaged in them; the reasons may surprise you. Then focus your attention on the one thing that IS under your control: The power to choose what you will and will not tolerate. ”

¤A. Irvin @ Chrysalides¤

I spent many years running from one nightmare to another.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Find out the pain inside of you now,

why you do what you do.

Face your demons,

conquer them,

and trust God’s ability to heal.


Rise up like a skyscraper!

“Ultimately, the only one who can defeat you is YOU.”

-Lail Ann Haynes

Satan was in my toy room.

Sometimes it’s even hard for me to believe God called me into ministry…  Personally, I thought I would be one of the last people in the world to be called.  I have experienced about everything bad there is in one way or another.  I am also not a huge fan of organized religion.  As far as trying to put on an act to be holier than thou, well, just not happening.  I am just like everyone else in this world, HUMAN.

It has been so very hard for me to even come visit this blog of mine.  A huge part of me would just rather forget it all and act as if none of it ever happened at all.  However, I know the more I share, there is someone out there somewhere who needs to know they are not alone, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and just because every unimaginable thing in the world has come up against you, that DOES NOT mean you are insignificant or not going to ever live the life of your dreams.

One memory keeps rearing it’s ugly head in my mind on a regular basis.  I have done everything to avoid writing about it, but maybe writing about it is exactly what I need to do.  Maybe I just need to get it out…

Yeah….  this is going to be a tough one….

another of those “unbelievable” stories, so hard to even admit……

My dad always tried to explain to me that he was a “White Witch“, but also a devout Catholic.  A special Catholic with a very special connection to God.  He would tell me about his powers and all kinds of spells he claimed he could do, even one to make it rain.  Over time, I remember him telling me I would be the most powerful witch of all.  I’m not sure how many times it actually happened, but one ceremony sticks out in my head to this day.  It was in my toy room.  That room I would never again use to play…

The men in long, white capes surrounded me in a circle in the middle of my fairly large toy room, not clean by any means and with plenty of old broken toys.  We were very poor, so I’m sure many had come from a thrift store or even dumpster.  That night, incense was burning all around me and the glow from the candles flickers and dances in my memory even today.  I was a skinny little four or five year old girl, long brown hair and big brown eyes back then.  I heard the men chanting my name, “Mary Catherine, Mary Catherine, Mary Catherine….”, and I really had no idea what to think of the charade.  All I knew was I HATED the smell of the incense and I was beginning to get a headache from the glow in the dark room.  My daddy did a whole lot of talking, chants and words I didn’t understand.  The men followed suit as if magically directed, replying with words they all knew.  The last thing I remember that I can share of Satan‘s visit to my toy room is that all those “White Witches” raped me, one by one I think….

When I say that I have seen Hell, it’s not a lie or exaggeration.

Satan lived in my biological father’s body,

and I lived in that home for seven long years.

I’m glad it’s over.

and by no means was I the only one…

That’s all I have to say about that.


“All our rough journeys are just boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.”

-Lail Ann Haynes

“God doesn’t call the qualified.  He qualifies the called.”

– Rev. Michael Beckwith


The Diary In My Mind


The Diary In My Mind

by Lail Ann Haynes

Moments written that may never fade.

Smiles and tears so often replayed.

Loving an addict is not easy to do,

Every single day is scary and somewhat blue.

Big, bright, brown, boyish eyes,

Hopeful and innocent,

So trusting and naive at the young age of five…

As a boy he dreamed of hunting, 

As well as fishing under the stars.

He wanted a wife and a family,

Never dreaming he would end up living behind bars…

Lost from the moment they tore him from his mother’s embrace,

He stumbled through life with a criminal trace.

The underworld trapped his soul for a time,

As he sold meth-amphetamines and weed for a dime.

He chose the wrong door, 

Chasing his boyhood “Chopper” dream.

Man’s Entrance To Hell was that dealer’s theme…

Spoons and needles, 

The boyish man’s vivid reality.

He’d appear on his sister’s doorstep,


Out of his mind, 

An ate up skeleton, 

Seeking a hopeful “happiness” key.

The key would never fit, 

In the world the addict knew,

Happiness isn’t a reality, 

No matter how much dope they do….

My brother sits behind bars, 

In another world, 

Far, far away from me,

I cry from time to time, 

As I miss the brown eyed boy he used to be…

Every single time, 

I let go of him,

I prepare for him to pass away, 

And the little light left in my heart, 

To very soon completely dim…

Believe it or not, 

Bobby WILL be given his angel wings.

God knows his struggles here on earth, 

Among the other deadly, secret things…

My brother will ride to Heaven,

On that yellow, dream Chopper of his.

Washed clean of his sin, 

Both wings and halo on,

I will say “goodbye” here on earth,

Knowing deep in my heart,

Finally right has been made from all the world of wrong.

Few will understand, 

Just how a “dope head” made it to the pearly gates.

However, I know, 

Jesus loves each of us equal, 

And unconditionally.

(Dedicated to my younger brother, Bobby Lee Ruppel, Jr.)

Listen to Life Is Beautiful by Sixx A.M.