Today is Mother‘s Day. It is a beautiful day outside, but once again, I am stuck in bed with a Fibro flare up and my Rheumatoid Arthritis making it unbearable to walk on my frail feet. I’m still so very happy and feeling so blessed with all the love I am being shown on this special day that only comes once a year.
As I am sitting here thinking about life, drinking my daily Arizona green tea, the one in the soft mint green can with the pink cherry blossoms branching up the side, a tender smile spreads across my unpainted face. God has blessed me so generously with amazing friends who each have the most beautiful, compassionate hearts. The honor I feel when they come to me for inspiration, advice and such, lifts my spirits at times I need it the most. I am so thankful to God for giving me the right words to comfort them in their times of need and for giving me the ability to lift them up out of that darkness that wants to set in on all of us too often. However, I rarely share my own feelings with anyone, because I help myself by helping others. I know that sounds silly, but it is oh, so true. Helping others is a “coping mechanism” I have come to rely on more often than anyone knows besides my sweet, supportive husband, who is my very best friend, and our three amazing children who confront me about this issue I have from time to time. Now, if only I was as successful at helping myself as I am at helping others….
After finally opening up just a little to one friend a couple of days ago about a deep-rooted pain I have, I realized I really need to be more open about my own struggles outside of my health issues. It is so unfair of me to not let others feel needed and trusted like I do when they so openly come to me. I envy their ability to be vulnerable. I want to be able to be vulnerable without fear so badly… I cannot stand hypocrites and maybe that is a subconscious source of pain and dislike of myself. I feel hypocritical and somewhat selfish living in my secret, isolated, protected bubble at times…
This is really hard for me to write, probably beyond imagination. I am used to isolation, isolating my deepest feelings, and at times my physical body also, in hopes to avoid pain, judgement and rejection. Well, that is so hypocritical of me. I encourage others not to do just that, yet, I myself live in that fear and secret isolation. I guess that is why I try to help others not to do what I see them doing, things reminds me of my own damaging actions. I know how much it hurts to hold those feelings inside and I don’t want anyone to feel that wretched pain that lives inside me, haunting my heart and traumatized mind.
Another sip of my tea as I ponder trust….
Trust…. That’s what it boils down to directly. My trust issues began at only three years old when my very first hero, my own father, began to hurt me. “This is how much Daddy loves you.”….. That statement by my father as he raped me taught me love is painful and extremely dangerous. How can I ever trust???
The trust issues only worsened over the years by all the abuse I lived through at the hand of most of the other males in my life and my own older, adopted sister who I never allow myself to write or talk about. It hurts too bad to think of her and the disappointment I feel that I didn’t mean more to her for her to want to help me and stop the abuse. I realize now I meant nothing to her more than the shopping sprees I could talk our grandfather who raised us into taking her on. Nothing.
I am by no means saying my whole life was terrible, there were many good times too. I was blessed to receive an amazing education because of the wealth of the family I came from. Programs that were only dreams to many were my reality. Unfortunately the traumatic memories tend to rule my mind. Aside from the positives, the talents I developed, I became a very talented actress hiding the secrets that almost killed me before I decided to let go, move on and rebuild my life. That saying posted so often on Facebook, “I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.”, is so very true, even beyond most imaginations of the reality depth of that truth.
I sip my green tea, subconsciously praying for it to heal my body and health that are betraying me, and think of Gabe’s accomplishment making his dream from the time he was a little boy into a beautiful reality…
Gabe Berman was the friend I opened up to the other day and his simple advice has been on my mind every single minute since our chat. Gabe has been a huge influence on me since I met him and we became friends many months ago on Twitter. I went to him in private the other day, admitting all the writing I have done, books and books worth, and the unrelenting fear I have of putting myself out there and publishing it. How could I dare allow myself to be THAT vulnerable???
I hardly ever admit my fears to anyone, but I trust Gabe as much as I am able to trust my closest friends. He is one I know would never hurt me intentionally. Gabe is a good man with a beautiful heart who wants the best for everyone just like me. The exceptional quality of a person he is has been a rarity in my life. Until this past year, precious diamonds like Gabe where limited to my husband, three children, and only handful of childhood friends I still had contact with. The rest of the people who have been a part of my life until this past year were just plain old coal. Coal that could be thrown at my vulnerable heart, damaging it with scars that seemed to me like they would never heal….
The advice Gabe gave me seems so very simple, but even the most devout Christians struggle with the simplicity of the most basic foundation of his statement: “Take a leap of faith.”. Faith = Trust….. Trust…. I have so little trust…. Trust is almost nonexistent to me. I have only began to trust God and myself….
It took me years to even get an inkling of trust in God. Yes, I said it. Yes, I admit it. Thanks, El, for inspiring me to admit those haunting secrets! I was raped most of my life, beaten very severely by my ex husband who left a nice crack from the top of my skull to the top of my nose…. How could I trust a God who would allow all that??? How could I trust a God that made my older brother’s statement be true? “Nobody will ever believe you.” Well, let me tell you exactly why and exactly how in a simple quote.
“All our rough journeys are simply boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.”
Who’s quote is that? Just one of my thousands of quotes stored safely for nobody to see…. Simple truth and the only way to overcome a very painful, traumatic past…. I knew there was a reason it all happened to me. Everything in life happens for a reason, no doubt. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I had not lived the life I have. Now, just to learn to trust this world of ours. Can you help me out with that??? Do you have severe trust issues too???
“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.
Now, to end this post with the beauty of the present. This video I am sharing with you was made by my 15 year old daughter and given to me as a Mother’s Day present. It is the most precious gift I have ever received, aside from my three precious children. Nothing in this world compares to unconditional love. Nothing.
You can buy Gabe’s book at Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.
Happy Mother’s Day to all you beautiful moms. xo
Links to learn more about my friend, Gabe:
Be sure to meet my darling, inspiring and empowering friend El: