The past does not equal the PRESENT.

My life is a gift. 

“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.

You get to choose.” 

~Wayne W. Dyer

Thought I would share a little something, the quote above by Wayne Dyer,  that helped me a whole lot. Are you a victim of life or do you own your life? Are you simply surviving, or are you a warrior? The choice is yours. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Some can be explained, some simply cannot…  Many people spend their whole life just hanging on by a thread. Others use the wisdom they gained and decide to learn to fly like a beautiful butterfly. 


Does my past seem like a nightmare to you if you were to compared what each of us has been through? Well, let me explain a little something to you. Nobody should ever compare tragedies. Our worst is what we know. Most people have a very difficult time looking beyond their own personal experiences, hence the word “nightmare”. We all have walked our own personal path to get where we are today.  Our level of tolerance is also very different. Yes, my past was horrible and traumatic, but not near as bad as what it may seem to you. It was the only “normal” I knew for a very long time.  A better experience seemed like a “fairy-tale” to me.  

Now, after reading the horrible stories I have written in past posts and after I just explained what I did to you about my perception and present attitude, do you have a better understanding of why I am who I am today? Do you understand that I am actually very comfortable with my life and in my own body? The painful stories I share here in this blog do not hurt me today. Though I do express the pain I have experienced, I am here in the present and very happy.  I appreciate the strength I have gained from the rough journey, but even more, I appreciate and RECOGNIZE it is OVER.  God has blessed me very generously with some of the most supportive, encouraging, inspirational people in this world as friends.  My husband and children are a dream come true and also better for what they have experienced with me.

This reassurance is all I need.  Take a moment and watch with me.

All I do in this blog is simply share the emotions I experienced before I was able to move on in order to bring awareness to a horrible reality in our world that destroys so many who never find their voice and get help that truly is available to them.  I want others to feel comfort that they are not alone, I’ve been there and felt the same shame and guilt abusers and the ones who empower them inflict on their prey.  None of us have anything to be ashamed of.  As you will see in some posts, I do get triggered every once in awhile and write to work through the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  The effects of sexual abuse, any abuse for that matter, last for a very long time. If you are a survivor, please rest assured you can overcome even the most unimaginable circumstances and obstacles out there in this world of ours and make all of your dreams come true.

I am extremely thankful for the wisdom gained, better for what I have been through. I would probably not be near as kind, loving, compassionate and accepting if I had not experienced the severe pain and judgement I still have to sometimes live through. I might even be surrounded by tons of toxic people if I didn’t know the dangers that are out there and the possibilities that there are by not being more careful who I allow in my life and the lives of my children.  I gained the wisdom that you cannot spot a predator and they can be very charming to lure in their victim.  It can be a family member, a close friend, a church leader, a teacher, a neighbor, absolutely anyone out in this world.  I learned it doesn’t only happen at night when you are sleeping, it can happen anytime during the course of a day and violation only takes a second to happen.  I am always very aware of the people around me and I am different in the way that I see details often missed by others who have not had similar experiences.  I also have a whole different way of thinking than most.  Typically, I appreciate things and people most take for granted…

I choose to view myself as a warrior, not a victim of uncontrollable circumstances. I choose to look at my life as a gift and a benefit to myself and everyone who knows me. God only gives you what you are strong enough to handle and I sure am here writing this to you today, so it is obvious God knows me better than I know myself.  There were so many different times I did not think I would survive.  Their were times when I wanted to be dead and end the pain I felt and secret suffering I felt forced to endure.  God had a different plan for my life.  I did not get to choose who I was born to, or when I would be born.  I also realized I have no power over when I will die.  It’s all in God’s hands and he alone decides when we have had enough and it is time to go home and join him.

I am not saying that I don’t have bad days.  Oh, believe me, I do!  I’m just trying to explain that my bad days are not deadly or any more difficult than those who have experienced no trauma at all.  My tolerance is higher, or strength as some choose to call it.  I simply know life is a gift and I will not give any more power to those who have hurt me.  Today and tomorrow are mine.  That’s what counts.

Now tell me, is your life a gift? The choice is yours. The choice was mine too.

Image“All our rough journeys in life are simply boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.”

~Lail Ann Haynes


Tip #1


“Promise Yourself”

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you. ”  

~Christian D. Larson~

I didn’t get this tat for no reason.

If you have been reading my blog from the start, you are very familiar with the sickness my older, adopted brother has and the incestuous rape I only found strength to escape from two years ago last month.  Some days it feels like ages ago, but on days like today it feels like it just happened yesterday…  I’m really struggling with rejection today from one person I care about and I’m struggling with being controlled by another.  Not a fun day in my world….

I didn’t get this tat for no reason…


As a survivor of sexual abuse, the memories and clips of instances haunt me ever single day no matter how strong my mind is or how much knowledge I try to fill it with daily to help me understand and try to overcome the damage that was done.  It’s definitely not one’s mind that is broken more than temporarily, it is ones heart that is covered with deep, ugly scars that seem to never heal as time passes by…

Sometimes this tender heart of mine gets me into a whole heap of trouble.  I want so desperately to believe in people, to find that good in them and believe that good is always victorious over evil.  I wanted so terribly to believe my older brother really had changed over the years I had not seen him as my maternal family insisted he had…  My forgiving heart has led me in the wrong direction too many times for me to list for you, but I will tell you of one very painful instance that make me sick to my stomach, almost causing me to puke just thinking about sharing it with you.  I will fight to find the strength to release my story and free myself from his chains of cockiness and threats that have silenced me for so many years.  


It was a scorching hot, June day in 2005.  Living 18 miles from town on thousands of acres of land, founded and built up by my maternal side of the family since 1901, there was no sense in me worrying about my typical daily attire of a cute sports bra and matching, light-weight running shorts.  The closest neighbor, The Taylors’, who ran the Chain Ranch that neighbored ours, were only seen on those seldom drives to town, with a passing wave, when I was desperate for a Diet Coke or pack of cigarettes.  However, on that day my light attire wasn’t even breezy enough to fight off the unbearable heat that had been isolated in my almost 3,000 square foot Solitaire…  

After only one year, the damn air conditioner in my new home was not working at all!  I was hot, my three young children were beyond hot and making it worse for themselves as they chased each other around like little puppies heeding my warnings and tender discipline. The only heating and air guy I knew had told me he would not be able to make it out that day and I would be on a waiting list he hoped he could get to the next day at the earliest.  It appeared everyone in North West Oklahoma was having issues with staying cool and he was the only go-to guy servicing our desolate area.  Out of desperation, I decided to “take a leap of faith” and call my older brother, an ex Marine and also heating and air guy.  My stupidity, desperation, and naive forgiveness would be very apparent all too soon….


You see, it had been six years since I had been around him, my older brother, at all.  I will not refer to “him” by name to protect myself since the report I filed two years ago was never even sent to the county DA by the local Sheriff who was more than likely paid to protect him.  I know for sure all the other victims like myself have been paid off, as well as connections in the judicial system my older, adopted, attorney sister had secured over the years.  Oh, that’s just another silent bit of knowledge in the Gore family, forbidden to be brought up under any condition.  I assume the young sheriff and my older brother are hunting buddies by all the stories the locals have told me since the report was dismissed casually and I was informed it was mysteriously lost by that egotistical asshole voted to be in charge of the shitty legal system out there in rural BFE.

“Anger is simply a result of deep rooted pain.” ~Lail Ann Haynes

“Why had it been six years since I had been around my older brother?”, you wonder.  Well, in September of 1999, I finally confronted him about the years and years sexual abuse in front of my closest of my family members.  There were eight of the adults present at my grandfather’s birthday to be exact as I recall:  my now ex-husband, my aunt and uncle, my older sister and her husband, my gradfather who had raised us four kids, and my longest time abuser.  What did they do when I pointed to my older brother in rage after learning my older sister had convinced Gail to disinherited my troubled, younger, biological brother from receiving any of the family fortune???  Of course that greedy, money possessed sister of mine wouldn’t mind getting a larger piece of the family fortune.  If only I had known at 23 what I now know at 35, money is of so very little value in all reality….  

“If anyone here should be disinherited, it’s that mother fucker right there                                                             

who has been raping me since I was seven years old!!!”

They all got up, as if on cue, and went to my sister’s pretty table to eat the birthday cake I had so carefully decorated with little, plastic, Black Angus cattle.  Those precious little replicas …..

Imagelittle, black cows I had so carefully selected with love for Gail’s birthday cake ….  were treasured representatives of my grandfather’s passion for the legacy that had been built since 1901.  Not one word was said to me after my humiliating outburst revealing the only ammunition my violent husband at the time had to hold over my head and chain me to the violent marriage I had committed to almost five years before.  As I stood there silently watching the family I loved so dearly happily serving cake as if nothing important had been said, the tears I did not want to shed streamed down my face as my fragile heart broke into a million little pieces…   The reality that they could care less burned deep into my entire existence standing in that home I never liked from the time it was built.  It was cold, just like my money mongrel sister.  

I realized my worst fear was becoming a living, breathing, smirking nightmare.  Yes, my older brother had correctly predicted I would not be helped by my beloved family, MY biological family.  I still see that sly grin on his face taking sneaky glances at me standing there in tears with my chin splattered on my older sister’s expensive neutral colored carpet and my tender heart completely destroyed… all my hopes for comfort and the dream of eventually receiving protection shattered as I stood there heaving sobs in total disbelief…  and my secretly violent, now ex husband, the only one there to comfort me…

“I just told you he has been raping me all this time and you aren’t going to do ANYTHING?!!!!!!!”

“It’s not that we don’t believe you, Lail .  We just had no idea.”  

“Go catch your breath and come back and enjoy the party.”

“Give us time to digest this.”

It still hurts as I type the memories of my uncle’s response to my desperate scream on this triggering black keyboard and remember the love, compassion and protection I so desperately longed for at that moment was never received.  The whole damned family sat there at that nicely decorated dining table eating that beautiful cake, making sure my adored, charming, still smirking older brother had an appropriate sized piece and a napkin to place on his lap to protect his precious designer jeans….  Why was I shocked???  Would you be in my situation???

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

“Go ahead and tell.  Nobody will believe you anyway.”

That is exactly why I didn’t tell anyone what happened on that scorching hot, summer day, with my three children playing in their rooms as their uncle revealed there was a cost for his service at my request he fix my air conditioner and fill it with freon….  I wasn’t worthy of being treated any better.  


You tell me, please…


“All our rough journeys are simply boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.”                                                                         ~Lail Ann Haynes

If you want to help me, help me stop abusers from continuing to have power over us.

Break the silence.

Stop abusers from being empowered.

Raise awareness to the reality that this happens in homes around our globe.

There is no discrimination.

The horror of sexual abuse cares not about class or color.

All abusers want is power.

Silence is deadly.

Watch and listen to Damaged by Plumb for a second with me, please.

Thank you for caring.

Take A Leap of Faith….

Today is Mother‘s Day.  It is a beautiful day outside, but once again, I am stuck in bed with a Fibro flare up and my Rheumatoid Arthritis making it unbearable to walk on my frail feet.  I’m still so very happy and feeling so blessed with all the love I am being shown on this special day that only comes once a year.

As I am sitting here thinking about life, drinking my daily Arizona green tea, the one in the soft mint green can with the pink cherry blossoms branching up the side, a tender smile spreads across my unpainted face. God has blessed me so generously with amazing friends who each have the most beautiful, compassionate hearts. The honor I feel when they come to me for inspiration, advice and such, lifts my spirits at times I need it the most. I am so thankful to God for giving me the right words to comfort them in their times of need and for giving me the ability to lift them up out of that darkness that wants to set in on all of us too often. However, I rarely share my own feelings with anyone, because I help myself by helping others.  I know that sounds silly, but it is oh, so true.  Helping others is a “coping mechanism” I have come to rely on more often than anyone knows besides my sweet, supportive husband, who is my very best friend, and our three amazing children who confront me about this issue I have from time to time.  Now, if only I was as successful at helping myself as I am at helping others….

After finally opening up just a little to one friend a couple of days ago about a deep-rooted pain I have, I realized I really need to be more open about my own struggles outside of my health issues. It is so unfair of me to not let others feel needed and trusted like I do when they so openly come to me.  I envy their ability to be vulnerable.  I want to be able to be vulnerable without fear so badly…  I cannot stand hypocrites and maybe that is a subconscious source of pain and dislike of myself.  I feel hypocritical and somewhat selfish living in my secret, isolated, protected bubble at times…
This is really hard for me to write, probably beyond imagination. I am used to isolation, isolating my deepest feelings, and at times my physical body also, in hopes to avoid pain, judgement and rejection. Well, that is so hypocritical of me. I encourage others not to do just that, yet, I myself live in that fear and secret isolation. I guess that is why I try to help others not to do what I see them doing, things reminds me of my own damaging actions. I know how much it hurts to hold those feelings inside and I don’t want anyone to feel that wretched pain that lives inside me, haunting my heart and traumatized mind. 

Another sip of my tea as I ponder trust….

Trust….   That’s what it boils down to directly. My trust issues began at only three years old when my very first hero, my own father, began to hurt me.  “This is how much Daddy loves you.”…..   That statement by my father as he raped me taught me love is painful and extremely dangerous.  How can I ever trust???

The trust issues only worsened over the years by all the abuse I lived through at the hand of most of  the other males in my life and my own older, adopted sister who I never allow myself to write or talk about. It hurts too bad to think of her and the disappointment I feel that I didn’t mean more to her for her to want to help me and stop the abuse.  I realize now I meant nothing to her more than the shopping sprees I could talk our grandfather who raised us into taking her on.  Nothing.

I am by no means saying my whole life was terrible, there were many good times too. I was blessed to receive an amazing education because of the wealth of the family I came from. Programs that were only dreams to many were my reality. Unfortunately the traumatic memories tend to rule my mind. Aside from the positives, the talents I developed, I became a very talented actress hiding the secrets that almost killed me before I decided to let go, move on and rebuild my life. That saying posted so often on Facebook, “I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.”, is so very true, even beyond most imaginations of the reality depth of that truth.

I sip my green tea, subconsciously praying for it to heal my body and health that are betraying me, and think of Gabe’s accomplishment making his dream from the time he was a little boy into a beautiful reality… 

Gabe Berman was the friend I opened up to the other day and his simple advice has been on my mind every single minute since our chat.  Gabe has been a huge influence on me since I met him and we became friends many months ago on Twitter. I went to him in private the other day, admitting all the writing I have done, books and books worth, and the unrelenting fear I have of putting myself out there and publishing it.  How could I dare allow myself to be THAT vulnerable???

I hardly ever admit my fears to anyone, but I trust Gabe as much as I am able to trust my closest friends. He is one I know would never hurt me intentionally.  Gabe is a good man with a beautiful heart who wants the best for everyone just like me. The exceptional quality of a person he is has been a rarity in my life. Until this past year, precious diamonds like Gabe where limited to my husband, three children, and only handful of childhood friends I still had contact with. The rest of the people who have been a part of my life until this past year were just plain old coal.  Coal that could be thrown at my vulnerable heart, damaging it with scars that seemed to me like they would never heal….

The advice Gabe gave me seems so very simple, but even the most devout Christians struggle with the simplicity of the most basic foundation of his statement: “Take a leap of faith.”. Faith = Trust….. Trust…. I have so little trust…. Trust is almost nonexistent to me.  I have only began to trust God and myself….

It took me years to even get an inkling of trust in God. Yes, I said it. Yes, I admit it. Thanks, El, for inspiring me to admit those haunting secrets!  I was raped most of my life, beaten very severely by my ex husband who left a nice crack from the top of my skull to the top of my nose….   How could I trust a God who would allow all that???  How could I trust a God that made my older brother’s statement be true? “Nobody will ever believe you.”  Well, let me tell you exactly why and exactly how in a simple quote.

“All our rough journeys are simply boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.” 

Who’s quote is that? Just one of my thousands of quotes stored safely for nobody to see…. Simple truth and the only way to overcome a very painful, traumatic past…. I knew there was a reason it all happened to me.  Everything in life happens for a reason, no doubt. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I had not lived the life I have. Now, just to learn to trust this world of ours. Can you help me out with that???  Do you have severe trust issues too???  

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.


Now, to end this post with the beauty of the present.  This video I am sharing with you was made by my 15 year old daughter and given to me as a Mother’s Day present.  It is the most precious gift I have ever received, aside from my three precious children.  Nothing in this world compares to unconditional love.  Nothing.

You can buy Gabe’s book at or Barnes & Noble.  

Happy Mother’s Day to all you beautiful moms.  xo


Links to learn more about my friend, Gabe:

Be sure to meet my darling, inspiring and empowering friend El:

A Writer’s Refusal to Remain Ashamed

I just want to share the ability to do the impossible with everyone on my page.  This is my beautiful and amazing friend, El.  She is also a fellow Sexual Abuse survivor, thriver and warrior.  El is one of my heroes, and I do not have many.  She is a true example of strength, courage and love.  I want to share with you the message I left for my friend on her blog after she broke the deadly chains of silence that only empower abusers and exposed a secret that ultimately destroys so many victims of incestuous rape.  God is so obviously working through this amazing woman.

“El,  I am so proud of you. You give courage to a world of people. Like I told you in private, I will say loud for everyone to hear. You are one of my heroes, and I don’t have many. I am so thankful for you and what you are doing to make our world a better place. Silence can be deadly, eating us up with guilt and shame. Silence only empowers abusers, and we both know those sick bastards love power. The beauty of what you are doing is you are speaking for all those who have not yet found their voice. You are showing that what seems impossible in their minds is very possible. You are amazing! I love you, my sweet, beautiful friend. Keep breaking those chains for everyone. Much love always. xo”

I suggest you take the time to read every post from both of our blogs as you can.  They are complex stories on a very painful and complex issue.  Help spread awareness if you are willing by sharing with the people you know.  So many never tell.  Help us spread awareness.   Thank you to all and know you are capable of overcoming any obstacle that presents itself before you.  

xo Lail Ann Haynes

Please click this link —> A Writer’s Refusal to Remain Ashamed.

El Farris

El Farris

Resources to help you:

LOVE and UNDERSTANDING have a special message just for you.

LOVE and UNDERSTANDING are priceless.

Did you know blessings sometimes come in very clever disguises???

Have you been hurt by people and their judgement, hate, ridicule and criticism???

Well guess what! Their sin is YOUR blessing that came in disguise!


I’ll tell you.


“All our rough journeys in life are simply boot camp to prepare us to fulfill our calling.”

~Lail Ann Haynes


“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.

You get to choose.” 

~Wayne W. Dyer

We are all equal in God’s eyes, none better than the other. Spread love, not hate. Hate is Satan trying to take over. Are you going to let him succeed? Let your past make you better, not bitter. If you have been hurt, you know what it feels like, so have mercy on others. We are all on our own very special, personal journey living in God’s grace, whether one realizes it or not. Sometimes a person has to fall hard to bounce up to the next level. Rise up as high as you can and share God’s love. 


“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. 
Forgive them anyway. 
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. 
Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. 
Be honest anyway. 
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. 
Be happy anyway. 
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. 
Do good anyway. 
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. 
Give your best anyway. 
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. 
It was never between you and them anyway.” 
― Mother Teresa


~A woman’s smile can bring comfort to the most broken and damaged hearts. The tender curve of her lips is comforting arms softly wrapping themselves around you in a gracious flow. Her flawless love glistens in her sparkling eyes as they drink in your undeniable beauty and warm her spectacularly precious soul.~
♥ Lail Ann Haynes ♥

Do you need an angel?

An angel has indeed arrived just for you.

Hope this helped your heart to heal and empowered you to have an amazing day! Rise above those hurtful people! Don’t let them fill you with the same horror that fills their mean, cold, hurtful hearts. You are so much better than that! Love to each of you and thank you for the LIKES, COMMENTS and SHARES. Blessings!


I almost gave up my dream….

Today’s post is not going to be anything fancy or ultra-creative.  For a couple of weeks, I made this blog private as I contemplated so many opinions that I have received from various sources.  I wasn’t sure which direction to go….  I was feeling so very lost and confused…  

The opinion that hit me the hardest was from a man who told me to forget my past and just work towards my amazing future.  He told me he thinks my blog is the cause of my health issues being so severe.  My past is no longer an issue to me and does not hold me back what-so-ever in the amazing life I have today.  Yet, I began to wonder about my poor health and sever pain that is unimaginable to anyone who hasn’t experienced the illness…

I knew in my heart he was wrong even though so many of my posts are very emotionally painful to write, but I listened anyway and let go for a while.  Knowing full well in my mind that I haven’t even begun to touch on the toughest parts of the abuse I have survived and overcome, his words scared me to death!  Auto Immune disease is debilitating enough on its own.  I sure don’t want to increase what is already chronic pain!  Could I be subconsciously hurting myself???

Well, as I have been telling my children for years as they deal with peers, “Opinions are like belly buttons.  Everyone has one.”.  That’s not exactly the way the saying goes, heehee, but that’s the “G Rated” version I tell my three precious children!  😀

The Fibromyalgia flare-ups are really no different from what they have been since I got hit hard back in October, crippled to bed for sooooo many months.  I am just building a stronger tolerance and have gained wisdom to rest, not trying to out-stubborn the illness.  The Rheumatoid Arthritis has been crippling, putting me in bed for the past two days.  Giving up this blog did not help at all!  Recognizing my mistake, I decided today to practice what I preach and focus on my goals, NOT other’s opinions.  The goal of this blog is to help others find their voice and raise awareness in our society of the secrets that are killing so many. I should not let anyone step in and destroy that possibility!

If even just one person is touched and finds the strength to speak up and get help, this blog is a complete success.  If even one single person learns the signs and recognizes a friend, acquaintance or loved one who needs THEIR help, THIS BLOG IS A COMPLETE SUCCESS!!!  Some chances are very worth taking, don’t you agree???

DO NOT let ANYONE destroy YOUR dreams!!!  There will always be critics, but those critics more than likely haven’t traveled your journey or one even close to it.  People are scared of what they don’t know and/or understand.  They do not want the “taboo” subjects that have been or were our “normal” to be spoken about openly.  Those opinions are what keep us silent about our stories in the first place, empowering our abusers even more.  That silence can be deadly and is in way too many cases…  Overcome those fears with me, okay?  We can do this together!  I believe in ME, and I believe in YOU.  I KNOW dreams come true.  My children are one.  😉  

Think about your own life, every little detail.  How many of your own personal dreams have already come true???  Were the difficulties making them a reality well worth it???  Well, don’t forget what C.S. Lewis said: “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”.  Let’s do this!  


“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.” 
― Walt Disney Company

A few resources to help you: