To most people, what I am going through would seem like a horrible tragedy, especially if you have read several of my other posts and know somewhat what I have been through…. It’s really not, it’s a blessing that came in disguise! In time, I will look back with a beautiful appreciation and understanding of this blessing, but for now I am just settling in and learning to accept what I am going through. Change. Gotta love change, don’t you???
Last October I began to get very sick. I was working three very demanding jobs, physically demanding more than mentally so. I didn’t mind, I was having the time of my life and enjoying what I was doing for work. It was a nice break from the desolate ranch I had just freed myself from and my typical work in corporate management and training I had worked for so many years in the past. I had tons of free time with my husband and kids. I was also loving my obsession with nutrition and seriously considering going hardcore into that field to help others achieve the success I was enjoying so much. Not to mention, Abbie had helped me find CORY!!!! Cory, the 15-year-old kid I had taken in over a decade ago! Cory…. Cory, who after searching for years, I feared was dead… OH, NO!!! CORY IS VERY MUCH ALIVE!!! 😀
In October, my younger brother, who has always been like my own child, relapsed for the second or third time since I had bought him out of two life sentences in prison. Yes, my friends, money can buy freedom in a county out in northwest BFE (an acronym for Butt F*** Egypt in the language of country folk like me, also known as “the middle of nowhere. ;)). Just ask the well-connected attorney who received “cash money” on that deal. 😉 Small is an understatement for the Oklahoma town of around 300 people who holds the title of “County Seat” and boasts a gorgeous new courthouse for the often repeat offenders who mostly grew up there to return and see the judge to receive their outrageous fines and mild penalties.
Because of the promise I had made to my husband and children after he robbed us the previous winter while we were gone to a funeral in Pennsylvania, Bobby had to be homeless. I refused to every take him in again and hurt my own family. We, as a small united family of five, just prayed together every single day “Uncle Bobby” would be healed and someday be okay….
Bobby was living in some trees around 39th and Penn., selling drugs and banned “incense” for an Asian “head shop” owner team well-known here in Oklahoma City. He also confided in me they were involved in human trafficking and child prostitution and Bobby was begging me to let him come live with me. Yes, as I should, I did inform the authorities and to this day nothing has been done. The law doesn’t want them I am convinced. They never even came to get the cell phone I stole from Bobby for evidence.
Needless to say, I was dying inside knowing the hell Bobby was living through… My addict brother, his big brown eyes, my baby, a 32-year-old man with a violently abused little boy living inside…. I began to vomit from anxiety ALL the time, pretty much two times a day. The pain from the helplessness I felt and the sorrow I bottled up so well to hide from my kids began to constantly bubble inside me… I began to really digest not only was I inevitably dying, I was dying at a very quick rate. I was dying inside out…. my heart was bleeding every single day…. yet, I was FIGHTING SO HARD TO KEEP A SMILE AND STAY ALIVE!!! I will never give up THAT fight…. I hope….
I visited Bobby as often as I could, taking him and the other homeless addicts “bags of burgers” from Braum’s (all I could afford after losing the small fortune I had inherited and sacrificed to try to save Bobby’s life.). I gave them hoodies to keep warm I had gotten for free when my husband ran an Indian casino while we were living back at the ranch those years. I took them little scripture bookmarks and $4.95 bibles I had picked up at Mardel, praying for their souls every moment I could. I set up an “open door option” at a wonderfully staffed detox center that even agreed to pick them (the homeless addicts) up and take them in without a question asked. You have to understand, those guys are very, very dangerous, not to be approached by the “average Jane”. “Stone Cold Killer J” was a hitman for the Asian boss. “Stone Cold Killer J” appreciated me so much one day he appologized to me for being rude and asked me for a hug. Yes, I hugged that man. Killer or not, he’s God’s child too. Bobby sabotaged that effort I made to get them “clean” all by himself out of greed. You see, he NEEDED the other homeless to sell the drugs to (they robbed to get the money) and have pedal that endless supply of yummy “fixes” for him and his Asian boss team.
It’s all about the green, my friends, AND a secure and endless source of hard core drugs.
Bobby was so, so, so messed up on heroine and ice….
Bobby was “the head guy”, but he wanted a daily shower horribly and grew more and more pissed as I continually refused to allow him even to enter my home. He threatened many times to put a “hit” on me in an attempt to bully me into taking him in. Yes, I continued to visit him regardless. We just spent many nights hiding out at a metro hotel, thinking we would go home to a house that had been robbed. The reality of loving an addict is sick! Still, I continued to take food, clothes, blankets, anything i could, but NEVER cash money. Sometime in the future I will explain why letting go seemed impossible to me at the time… but for now, on to Fibro!
the auto immune disease
not to understand
many swear is in our head,
and demand for which has no cure….
I refuse to accept that as a fact!
FIBROMYALGIA IS VERY REAL!
God has the cure. 😉
I became weaker and weaker, slowly not being able to get out of my bed day after day after day…. more and more tired…. I sucked it up for work, but pain began to set in really harsh and my pride of NEVER missing a day of work on that 7 day a week job set was threatened to be destroyed as my hands became unbearably painful to use…. My hands were and still are everything in my line of work…. I MAKE them work now. Some days it’s just very, very hard to do….
Okay, LAIL, get back on track!!!! Concentrate!!! Get this stupid “FIBRO FOG” under control! You ARE NOT that WEAK!!! Yes, I talk to myself too…. 😉
Well, I’m really struggling tonight with getting on track… The past three days have been extremely bad, but I KNOW in my heart I’m going to be okay no matter how this works out over time. God has a plan, I have no doubt. I can think straight enough to add, I now have Rheumatoid Arthritis very severely too. I spend most of my days in bed, sometimes begging my husband and kids to rub me to help work the pain out, even for just a short moment. Meds aren’t working. They made me even more sick and highly, highly depressed – suicidal at times. I will not take meds again. I REFUSE to.
I’ve been told once you get one auto immune disease, it is common for others to follow suit. I really am NOT worried about that. God has the cure. It’s all up to him if I will be cured, and I respect whatever he decides. He is providing amazing people in tools to encourage me it is a very REAL possibility someday I will not live almost every single day in chronic pain. Regardless, this is my own personal journey. This is an obvious “growing pain” I’m going through. God has a plan for me, that I know for sure. I will not fight that plan. I will work hard to settle in and cherish each precious moment I receive. I will strive to do as my friend, Gabe, suggests and live like a fruit fly! #LLAFF!!! 😀
That I am pretty sure I can do.
Hold On, Pain Ends…. Soon..?….
P.S. Please forgive any errors/typos/run-on-sentences.
My mind stuggles to focus at times.
At times, I struggle just to get a thought out.
Gotta love Fibro Fog!!!