I COMMITTED SUICIDE.

John 8

1 Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. 2 And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. 3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, 4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. 5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. 7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. 9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? 11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

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I was not SUPPOSED to wake up….  Why was I still alive?????  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but I had committed suicide…..

I woke up in ICU and ripped the hose out of my throat, the IVs from my arms, the tubes from my nose and I SCREAMED!!!  I began cussing God.  How could he keep me here?  Why would he put me through this hell?  What had I done so wrong?  I cussed God and I screamed at him in that cold hospital room until they brought in my preacher, John.  John, a very plain, young man stood at the door.  He didn’t touch me, just stared in my eyes…  I glared at him with hate and asked, “WHAT?!!”.  We were very good friends and he loved me, but at that moment I was completely numb.  I hated him and I hated the entire world.

John said, “Lail, sweetheart, you made a very serious mistake.”.  I told him I could care less.  I told him I would rather burn in hell than continue to be raped by my older brother.  I told him my children, who were my every single breath, were better off without me.  I was worthless to them…  John stopped me in my tracks with what he said next.  He said in the most calm voice, “You cussed God.  He knows you believe in him or you would not be screaming at him.”.  My face dropped.  You could have shoveled my chin off the ground.  How could I believe in a God who would allow me to be raped by my biological father and older, adopted brother for the past 26 years???  OH, HELL NO!!!!  but John was right and that fact that so calmly slipped from his mouth slapped me right across the face as hard as it could have hit.  I really DID believe in God.  I loved God with every single ounce of my being, every breath I took into my body…  

John went on to say, “Lail, you are not going to burn in hell.  God knows you have had more than you could bare.  You did not die for a reason.  You have a purpose here on earth.  God is not through with you yet.  You WILL serve God very well.”.  I whispered to John, “How could I ever forgive myself for what I have done to my husband and children?  Look what hell I am putting them through.  I committed suicide and I am such a piece of shit I can’t even do that well…  I am not worthy of serving God.”.  Tears began to stream down my face and my body weakened rapidly.  John wrapped his arms around me, holding me up gently.  I laid my head on his shoulder and silently wept…  As he stroked my hair softly, he said so simply and with confidence, “Jesus did not die on that cross in vain.  He died for our sins.  You are forgiven by your true father, God.  If God forgives you, what makes your opinion more powerful than God.  Are you going to slap God across the face and tell him he sacrificed his only son for nothing?  He loves you, Lail.”.  

At that very moment, in the loving arms of my precious friend and my pastor, I realized a solid fact.  I did not get to choose to whom I was born.  I do not get to choose when I die.  My life is COMPLETELY in the hands of my loving, heavenly father.  I have no control and I had wasted so much precious time fighting God for control.  I realized I was a Christian and God’s precious child too.  I realized I was loved unconditionally for the first time in my life and God loves me so much he forgave me for every mistake I had made.  He washed me clean.  God is so very, very good to me….

ALWAYS KNOW, WITH EVERY PRECIOUS BREATH YOU TAKE, JESUS LOVE YOU TOO.

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Please listen to MercyMe sing “SPOKEN FOR” with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9q2Ix7A6dM

On June 4th, 2005 I took 88 muscle relaxers with a full liter of vodka.

It was approximately 3 hours before I was discovered.

It was at least 2 hours after being discover that I hit the ER in Seiling, Oklahoma.

The secret I kept was deadly.

The day before my older brother had attempted to rape me once again.

I had no voice.

By the grace of God, today I am alive and happy.

I am spoken for.

So are you.

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ALLOWING LOVE AFTER ABUSE??
UPDATE 09-03-2013:
AFTER DARK RADIO SHOW – ANDE LYONS INTERVIEWS “REV. LEI” AKA Rev Mary C.
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3 responses to “I COMMITTED SUICIDE.

  1. Pingback: Her secret truth…. | Rev. Lei's Daily Rant

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