Before passing judgement…. A little info for you. ;)

Unless you value and respect someone’s opinion, throw that crap out the door.

DO NOT let ANYONE get you down or get in your way while in pursuit of your dreams! You deserve the best and TOXIC people do not deserve you, your time, or your energy. ¬†the tough stuff to the only Judge. ūüėČ Misery loves company, so refuse to join the ones who are miserable. The best thing to do is pray for their healing. It’s actually very simple. “Anger is simply a result of deep rooted pain.” -Lail Ann Haynes

People who try to hurt you are in serious pain over something and that pain very well may not even be related to YOU. They just think you are an easy target. Show them you aren’t and OWN that you are better than to be brought down to their level!

An article found at to help readers understand survivors.  It is very difficult for most to look beyond their own experiences and understand everyone is so very different and has their own very special, personal journey through life.  Enjoy the resources I am sharing below.

Recognizing and identifying patterns caused by abuse.

by Sallie Culbreth

Abuse has a way of controlling your life. It does a lot of damage, even if you don’t think it was “that big of a deal.” All abuse (physical,¬†emotional,¬†spiritual¬†and¬†sexual) is worthy of being addressed.

There are many excellent resources to help you take the first steps toward freedom. You may feel anxious, as if you need to find something to help you right now. The best place to begin is at the beginning.

First, it is important for you to know that you are normal! Abuse is what is NOT normal. You have been intimately wounded. Everyone responds differently, but there seem to be certain feelings and experiences that are common among survivors:

Isolation or loneliness.¬†That terrible sensation that no one understands you… no one “gets it.” You may feel like an alien visitor from another planet, as if you’ve been dropped to earth with no preparation to live here. Many of us (abuse survivors) feel very alone, even in a crowded room or around people we live with and love. That sense of isolation exists because abuse taught you to be silent, to carry your secrets and experiences by yourself. The shame, fear, and guilt attached to the abuse energize the isolation. Because of the twisted nature of sexual abuse and the dysfunctional relationships that many of us grew up with, we have no sense of what “normal” is. You may socialize well and know what to do, but there is often a huge lonely ache inside that no one else can see. Intimacy is terrifying for an abuse survivor. It is one of the many broken places that remains long after the abuse ends.

Sexual confusion or dysfunction.¬†Sexual abuse is not only abuse, it is also sexual. Your abusers became your sexual mentors. They taught you to perform, to lie, to devalue or degrade yourself, and to connect abnormal sexual experiences with normal longings for intimacy and touch. Many of us have a strong sense that our bodies betrayed us because we experienced pleasure or gained something because of the abuse. As a result, we, as sexual beings, approach our sexuality and sexual experiences with confusion. It feels as if everything in life is about sex. This is true on both ends of the sexual spectrum. If you are a sex addict and constantly crave risk-taking, degrading sexual experiences, it’s all about sex. On the other end, if you are repulsed by sex, avoid sexual experiences and despise your own sexuality, it is¬†still¬†all about sex.

Sexual abuse survivors struggle to accept touch without associating it with sex. Sex is frequently used as a way to either avoid intimacy or express rage or power (either by withholding or giving). Sexual abuse survivors frequently have problems experiencing orgasm, even when they willingly participate in sex. Often, we do not know what to do with the “sexual ache” that drives us into sexual relationships or experiences. Once sex begins, it becomes very confusing as your mind, spirit and body cease to work together. Then pleasure, gratification, or fulfillment seem lost in the chaos. You and your partner frequently end up using, wounding, or abandoning each other because the lessons of abuse are so deeply rooted in you.

Anger management problems. Rage is a frequent problem for abuse survivors. It is generally expressed in one of three ways. Some people lash out at other people, using their anger to control circumstances. Others keep it inside and beat themselves up, instead. And some people do both Рlash out at others and rage at themselves. This anger stems from deep hurt, extreme frustration, or fear. To control the anger (either internally or externally) can be exhausting. Frequently, survivors feel so overwhelmed that they give up even trying to manage it.

Body image and treatment.¬†Most of us have concluded that our bodies are the enemy – something to be treated harshly or without respect. We don’t necessarily do this at a conscious level, but we express it with our lifestyles. We either eat too much, too quickly, or we starve ourselves. Some of us abuse drugs or alcohol. Perhaps you hurt yourself with self-inflicted wounds or work so much that you are beyond exhaustion. Many of us feel completely disconnected from our bodies and never pay attention to our body language. We don’t know if we’re hungry or tired; in pain or pleasure; we are well-practiced at ignoring or silencing our physical needs. You may push and push and push yourself, or numb yourself with food, drugs or sex. As you journey toward freedom, you must understand that your body did not betray you; your abuser(s) betrayed you.

Ineffective expression of needs or longings. Abuse teaches you that your needs, longings and opinions do not matter (at least not to your abusers). Abuse changes the way you express yourself. Many of us struggle to express our true needs or longings. We cloak our desires because of the pain experienced when those longings were mishandled by others. At the same time, those needs and longings still exist and beg to be heard. Perhaps your need to be held as a child was frequently met at the expense of abuse, so you learned to hate what you needed. But the dilemma remains: You still have needs and longings. Because of this inner conflict, desires are often expressed in ineffective or destructive ways. We alienate people through unreasonable demands, silence, or abusive manipulation. Learning to balance the pressure of unmet needs with effective expression and respect are challenges that survivors must confront.

“Escape” mentality.¬†When you were abused, you had to find a way to cope. Many of us learned to escape, mentally, by “checking out” of reality and entering a self-created fantasy world in order to avoid truth. This coping mechanism established patterns of living that are no longer serving you well. Rather than embracing life and doing the hard work of taking ownership of who you are, you use trusted escape routes that have alienated you from relationships, career, school, or God. You may wrap a cocoon of sleep, TV, work, drugs, books, video games, etc., around you to avoid life and people. This may feel safe to you, but you may place yourself in situations that are harmful or self-defeating because you are so unaware of what’s going on. It is a challenge to remain focused on reality in order to make good decisions or take healthy actions.

Damaged spirit.¬†Abuse rips apart the spiritual life of a survivor. The very thing that God placed in us to connect, spiritually, is detached or re-wired to create a sense of meaningless existence or hopelessness. Even if you have pursued a relationship with God, there may be an underlying struggle to feel spiritually alive. Repairing the spiritual damage caused by abuse is an integral part of the journey toward wholeness. It is full of difficult questions and an intimate sense of betrayal. At the same time, in the core of your heart, is a hunger for something better, for something bigger than the cruelty, perversion and evil you experienced through abuse. It is this hunger that propels many of us to re-establish the broken connection with God. In the face of all that is wrong, there is a tiny flicker of God’s love that begs to be fanned into a flame of spiritual vitality. Ultimately, evil can motivate us to pursue something better – to pursue faith, hope and love.

Questions.¬†Abuse burns tough questions into the souls of its victims. Why is there evil? Why do bad things happen to innocent children?¬†Where was God, and why wasn’t I protected?¬†Where were my protectors – mother, father, family and friends? Do I really want out of my angst, or do I want to remain a victim where I know the rules of engagement? Why can’t I remember big parts of my childhood? How do I move beyond what was done to me? When will the pain and chaos end?

These are only a few of the questions you will probably ask at some point in your journey toward wholeness. They are questions that are worthy of thoughtful exploration. Some questions will receive a satisfactory answer. Others will never be adequately answered: It is both the glory and the frustration of breaking free from the past. The ultimate question you must ask yourself is this: Am I a cynic or a seeker? Do I really want to find solutions or do I want to cross my arms in stubborn determination to remain unchanged?

The Great Exchange

The process of moving beyond your abuse involves an exchange.
You will need to exchange the lies that abuse taught you about yourself, the world and God, for truth.
Truth about your worth.
Truth that yes, there is evil, but there is also good in the world.
Truth that spiritual wholeness is not a fantasy, it is the reality of relationship with God.
This is a long, difficult process, but it is not an impossible one.

Committed to Freedom Ministries, © 2004 Р2006        Sallie Culbreth, Founder and Executive Director

Information below found at:

Adult Survivors of Incest Information Sheet

Incest is a betrayal of trust through sexual activity between biological or marital relatives. It manifests either in the form of a “consensual” relationship, as with a brother and sister, or in the more common form of non-consensual abuse. Further, incest offenders project their sexual expression both overtly and covertly by means of inappropriate touching, verbal seduction, abuse, objectification, intercourse, sodomy, direct threats and implied threats.
Perpetrators of incest are both men and women, although the majority is men. Both girls and boys are victimized, with the majority of victims being girls. Perpetrators may include: grandfathers and grandmothers, fathers and mothers, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters. Incest cuts across lines of race and class. Incestuous abuse may start as early in a child’s life as a few months old and may last throughout the teen years and into adulthood.

* 4.5% of women report an incestuous experience with fathers or stepfathers before the age of 18. 4.9% of women report an incestuous experience with an uncle before the age of 18 (The Secret Trauma, Diana Russell, Basic Books, 1986).
* A random survey of 2,627 women and men conducted by the Los Angeles Times found that 27% of the women and 16% of the men had been incestuously abused as children (By Silence Betrayed, John Crewsdon, Little Brown, 1988).
* When incest occurs between siblings, 26% of the cases are same sex, with 16% between brothers and 10% between sisters (Healing the Incest Wound, Christine Courtois, Norton Professional Books, 1988).
* African Americans are victimized in childhood at the same rates as Caucasians. They report being more severely abused with greater use of force. African American girls are more often abused by relatives other than their fathers; often the offender is an uncle (“The Long-Term Effects of Incestuous Abuse: A Comparison of African American and White American Victims,” Diana Russell, et al. Lasting Effects of Child Sexual Abuse, ed. By Gail E. Wyatt, Sage Publications, 1988).
* 66% of all prostitutes were sexually abused as children. 66% of sexually abused prostitutes were abused by fathers, step-fathers or foster fathers. (“Treatment of Prostitution Victims of Sexual Abuse,” Mimi Silbert, Victims of Sexual Aggression, ed. By Irving Stuart and Joanne Greer, Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1984).
* 68% of incest incidents take place in the victims home (Russell, 1986).
* Men abuse children with greater frequency than women do. 95% of sexual abuse of girls and 80% of sexual abuse of boys is committed by men (Courtois, 1988).

Incest is an experience which affects a survivor’s life in many ways. The following is only a partial list of possible aftereffects survivors may experience for years into their adult life:

* Low self-esteem
* Self-blame, guilt
* Vulnerability toward revictimization
* Depression
* Difficulty sustaining relationships and building trust
* Alcohol or drug problems
* Anxiety, the need for control in relationships
* Post-traumatic stress reactions
* Eating disorders

* Self – Injury
* Dissociative reactions
* Sexual dysfunctions

* Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on one’s face when bathing or¬†¬†¬†swimming (suffocation feelings)
* Flashbacks and bad memories

* Alienation from the body-not at home in own body; failure to heed body signals or take care of one’s body; poor body image; manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention

* Gastrointestinal problems; gynecological disorders (including spontaneous vaginal infections); headaches; arthritis or joint pain.

* Phobias

* Splitting (Depersonalization); going into shock, shutdown, in crisis; a stressful situation always is a crisis; psychic numbing; physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion (eg: anger), or situation (eg: sex).

* Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe)

* Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don’t matter, just to control something)

* Pattern of being a victim (victimizing oneself after being victimized by others); especially sexually; no sense of own power or right to set limits or say no; pattern of relationships with much older persons (onset in adolescence).

* Feeling demand to “produce and be loved”; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

* Abandonment issues

* Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1-12), or a specific person or place

* Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty that no one will listen; being generally secretive; feeling “marked” (scarlet letter)

* Feeling crazy; feeling different; feelings oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real; or vice versa.

Also, many victims of incest may not have memories of it ever happening. Some will not have these memories because the abuse occurred while they were very young. Many abuse victims will report that the actual physical sexual abuse was not the worst aspect of the experience; rather, it was carrying such a powerful secret that must be protected. Others may have literally pushed the memories from their conscious mind in order to survive the abuse. In either case, the victim/survivor may feel as if something occurred and may eventually regain the memories of the abuse. Whether they remember the abuse or not, victims/survivors may still experience the above aftereffects.

People who experience incest have experienced violation of trust and sexual exploitation, but they can and do survive. There is no one “right way” to heal. Many will heal with the help of a counselor/therapist and/or support group and others will heal on their own. Once a survivor has made a commitment to address incest issues, it may take an average of 3-8 years of therapy to heal.
Adult survivors of incest who are beyond their early twenties and wish to take legal action against their perpetrators must do so in a civil law suit. They must bring the suit forward within the time outlined in the statute of limitations. In most cases, this is within 2-3 years of remembering the incest and recognizing it as the cause of injury. Please refer to the Statute of Limitations for more information.

No one should live their life in fear from being a victim of sexual assault/incest. If you have been a victim of sexual assault get help immediately and know that you are NOT alone. There are people who want to help you. Call your local rape/sexual assault crisis center. They can assist you with the help you need.

Copyright ©2009, Marie Waldrep.

This is one of the tools that helped me through my recovery.

If you need information or help, please visit:

RAINN: The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
One of “America’s 100 Best Charities” -Worth¬†magazine


My identity was stolen in the second grade.


As I sat in Mrs. Boatman’s second grade class room, patiently waiting for my name to be called as my sweet teacher took role of students present that day, I doodled on a blank sheet of paper little images I had seen in some magazine in my grandfather’s home. ¬†Was it really true? ¬†Could Gail’s home be my new home now too? ¬†Would I REALLY never be allowed to see my mommy again? ¬†A tear escaped my eye and fell to smear the images I had drawn…

Still waiting, I thought of that horrible day they came and took me away from her. ¬†It had only been a week ago… ¬†The longing for my mommy caused more tears to escape ever so quietly. ¬†I saw in my mind the seven cop cars pulling one by one into the yard in front of our single wide trailer house, lights on and sirens loud. ¬†I saw them get out of the cars and walk towards our door. ¬†That pretty girl who told me she was my older sister was with them. ¬†I liked her, but I still felt scared.

For a moment, sitting in that comfortable classroom, I felt tightness clench my scrawny body. ¬†Fear stung my heart from the memory of knowing nothing good could come from cops being there at our home. ¬†Cops were BAD. ¬†My daddy taught me that very well. ¬†I ran around our dirty trailer trying to find clothes to put on my baby brother and myself so they wouldn’t see our nakedness. ¬†I knew we should be wearing clothes, but my mommy never made us. ¬†It wasn’t important to her. ¬†Clothing was optional because so often we had nothing clean or the right size to wear.

The banging on the door made me jump and I started crying desperately. ¬†I ran to my mommy and screamed at her when I saw the blank look on her beautiful, somewhat sunburned face. ¬†“Cops and that woman are here, Mommy!! ¬†Pleeeease WAKE UP!!! ¬†I continued begging her to wake up, slightly shaking her frail shoulders that were only bones in my little hands. ¬†Even though her eyes were wide open staring straight ahead, I knew she was gone, asleep in her confused head… ¬†The blank stare was not new to me at all. ¬†She was gone to some other world, a world I wish I could visit with her. ¬†Right at that moment, as I shook her, I needed her with me AWAKE right there.

She was sleeping all the time with her beautiful blue eyes open these days…. ¬†It had been months since we had electricity and running water in our home. ¬†My daddy had once again disappeared. ¬†I knew, even at seven years old, the reality of the stress my mommy had to bear. ¬†She couldn’t feed us, so I was sneaking home food from school each day. ¬†She would smile, with tears in her eyes, at the gifts of food I brought home to share.

As I was shaking her, the cops came into our unbearably hot home on that festering August day in Oklahoma. ¬†Bobby, my four year old baby brother, was not scared. ¬†He went to that woman, Robin, who called to him. ¬†He believed she was our sister, but I had my doubts about her. ¬†I DID NOT trust that woman with the smile. ¬†I knew she had lied to me when she said she cared. ¬†She had tricked us, and now she had come to steal us away! ¬†That was my mommy’s worst fear, her worst nightmare, and it was very clear the nightmare was coming true on that very day. ¬†

I refused to go, clinging desperately to my mommy’s neck. ¬†She still didn’t wake up with my death grip around her neck, so I was growing so unbelievably scared. ¬†I clung to her, but they ripped me easily from her neck and carried me kicking and screaming to one of the cars with the flashing lights in our yard. ¬†Were they taking me to JAIL??? ¬†I felt fear creep through me because I had been stealing food from my school day after day after day. ¬†I was caught, and going to jail, I just knew!!! ¬†

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my tiny shoulder. ¬†It was Mrs. Boatman sweetly saying, “Honey, will you come to the hall with me? ¬†I have something I think I need to explain to you.”. ¬†I got up, wiping a remaining tear from my puffy cheek and followed my beautiful teacher out the classroom door. ¬†She gently began to talk.

“I’m not sure how to tell you this, dear… ¬†Your name is not Mary Catherine anymore. ¬†You will go by Lail Ann now. ¬†Your grandpa and older sister think that name suits you well. ¬†I think it’s very pretty too. ¬†Do you understand?”





Mary Catherine Lail-Ann “Ruppel” Haynes

(taken away in 1983)

I was trying so hard to find my stolen identity…

(pictured below:  2nd, 3rd and 4th grade)


The secrets behind that smile, some will never know…


It’s a Bud Light night. ANGER appears.

No, I don’t have intentions of getting drunk. ¬†I just felt like having a cold beer, so I am. ¬†Hell, I’m an adult. ¬†I’m just feeling like a very hurt little girl right now… ¬†I can count on one hand how many times I have drank alcohol in the past two years or more. ¬†It’s just one of those days that have hit me a lot more often in the past few weeks than I would like… ¬†What’s that popular old saying???

¬†“Shit happens.”

You had no idea I was this upset did you???

Well, I got pretty good at hiding SHIT.

Year after year after year, my older brother sneaking in my window while I was asleep.

Waking up at 7, 8, 9, 10 and on an on and on being raped.

The next morning waking up with no choice but to go have cereal with him.

Pretending like everything was just peachy keen….

That’s what I was expected to do.

I did as I was told… ¬†until I moved out.

Yes, it continued!

I admit that!!


It was only right at two years ago “the SHIT really hit the fan”…

Oh, BELIEVE ME, great things are happening too these days. ¬†Change is in the air! ¬†It’s just the “SHIT” is getting me down a bit. ¬†I keep hearing stories of kids committing suicide. ¬†Three stories have slapped me across the face like a nice 50 pound sledgehammer the past few days. ¬†I’m ANGRY. ¬†It triggers me back to my child and teen years. ¬†Yes, the pleasure of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)………………………….. ¬†I’m ANGRY. ¬†Did I say that already??? ¬†Yes, of course I did. ¬†How could they NOT know???

In my case, THEY DID KNOW.


They didn’t care….

The story that hit me the hardest came in a call from my beautiful, sweet, petite, fairy of a friend, Amy. ¬†Four tragedies in her life in like three or four DAYS. ¬†Oh, beautiful Amy was full of strength, it was me who shed those tears as her stories filled my head…

The most painful one was her son’s little 10-year-old friend who hung himself with a jump rope. ¬†YES, FREAKIN’ 10! ¬†I’M ANGRY! ¬†How were there no signs??? Why was this child alone??? ¬†What makes a 10 year old want to die more than play with friends or go for a bike ride??? ¬†Oh, I can guarantee, SOMEONE knew. ¬†There’s always ONE, typically more who hide their heads in the sand cowardly. ¬†Nobody wants to “get involved”. ¬†Nobody wants to be leaders in these cases anymore and stop this shit when the signs appear. ¬†Is that because they are guilty too or just selfish, lazy, cowardly pieces of shit that don’t realize kids are innocent and need ALL adults to care??? ¬†

I’m angry…. ¬†angry and hurt…. ¬†

I told you.

You admitted that to me finally…. ¬†

Why didn’t you help??? ¬†

I was only 12 or 13….

You were only a kid too, I realize that now….

I should have trusted adults, but adults hurt too…

I was scared….

I only trusted you….

It’s really okay, I just hurt….

I forgave you.

Luckily I didn’t have a jump rope.

It was a gun instead….

NOW, will someone take a stand???

Probably NOT.

I get emotional about this SHIT.

Teens who need help, you can visit:

Find a trusted adult. ¬†They do exist, trust me. ¬†I’m one.

A safe place for teens on Facebook:

Please seek help.



Every month of the year SHOULD be….

Will you help???

Do you value the life of a child???


Please care.

PS. “Anger is simply a result of DEEP ROOTED PAIN.”

~Lail Ann Haynes~

SICK takes the stage. I hate SICK’S visit. SICK sucks… #LLAFF!!!

To most people, what I am going through would seem like a horrible tragedy, especially if you have read several of my other posts and know somewhat what I have been through….¬† It’s really not, it’s a blessing that came in disguise!¬† In time, I will look back with a beautiful appreciation and understanding of this blessing, but for now I am just settling in and learning to accept what I am going through.¬† Change.¬† Gotta love change, don’t you???

Last October I began to get very sick.¬† I was working three very demanding jobs, physically demanding more than mentally so.¬† I didn’t mind, I was having the time of my life and enjoying what I was doing for work.¬† It was a nice break from the desolate ranch I had just freed myself from and my typical work in corporate management and training I had worked for so many years in the past.¬† I had tons of free time with my husband and kids.¬† I was also loving my obsession with nutrition and seriously considering going hardcore into that field to help others achieve the success I was enjoying so much.¬† Not to mention, Abbie had helped me find CORY!!!!¬† Cory, the 15-year-old¬†kid I had taken in over a decade ago!¬† Cory….¬†¬† Cory, who after searching for years, I feared was dead…¬†¬†OH, NO!!!¬† CORY IS VERY MUCH ALIVE!!!¬† ūüėÄ

In October, my younger brother, who has always been like my own child, relapsed for the second or third time since I had bought him out of two life sentences in prison.¬† Yes, my friends, money can buy freedom in a county out in northwest BFE¬†(an acronym for Butt F*** Egypt¬†in the language of¬†country folk like me, also known as “the middle of nowhere.¬†;)).¬† Just ask the well-connected attorney who received “cash money” on that deal.¬† ūüėȬ† Small is an understatement for the Oklahoma town of around 300 people who holds the title of “County Seat” and boasts a gorgeous new courthouse for the often repeat offenders who mostly grew up there to return and see the judge to receive their outrageous fines and mild penalties.

Because of the promise I had made to my husband and children after he robbed us the previous winter while we were gone to a funeral in Pennsylvania, Bobby had to be homeless.¬† I refused to every take him in again and hurt my own family.¬† We, as a small united family of five, just prayed together every single day “Uncle Bobby” would be healed and someday be okay….

Bobby¬†was living in some trees around 39th and Penn., selling drugs and banned “incense” for an¬†Asian¬†“head shop” owner team well-known here in Oklahoma City.¬† He also confided in me they were involved in human trafficking and child prostitution and Bobby was begging me to let him come live with me.¬† Yes, as I should, I did inform the authorities and to this day nothing has been done.¬† The law doesn’t want them I am convinced.¬† They never even came to get the cell phone I stole from Bobby for evidence.¬†

Needless to say, I was dying inside knowing the hell Bobby was living through…¬† My addict brother, his big brown eyes, my baby, a 32-year-old man with a violently abused little boy living inside….¬† I began to vomit from anxiety¬†ALL the time, pretty much two times a day.¬† The pain from the helplessness I felt and the sorrow I bottled up so well to hide from my kids began to constantly bubble inside me…¬† I began to really digest not only was I inevitably dying, I was dying at a very quick rate.¬† I was dying inside out….¬† my heart was bleeding every single day….¬†¬†yet, I was¬†FIGHTING SO HARD TO KEEP A SMILE AND STAY ALIVE!!!¬† I will never give up THAT fight….¬† I hope….

I visited¬†Bobby as often as I could, taking him and the other homeless addicts¬†“bags of burgers” from Braum’s¬†(all I could afford after losing the small fortune I had inherited and sacrificed to try to save Bobby’s life.).¬† I gave them hoodies to keep warm I had gotten for free when my husband ran an Indian casino while we were living back¬†at the ranch those years.¬† I took them little scripture bookmarks and $4.95 bibles I had picked up at Mardel, praying for their souls every moment I could.¬† I set up an “open door option” at a wonderfully staffed detox center that even agreed to pick them (the homeless addicts)¬†up and take them in without a question asked.¬† You have to understand, those guys are very, very dangerous, not to be approached by the “average Jane”.¬†¬†“Stone Cold Killer J” was a hitman for the Asian boss.¬† ¬†“Stone Cold Killer J” appreciated me so much one day he appologized to me for being rude and asked me¬†for a hug.¬† Yes, I hugged that man.¬† Killer or not, he’s God’s child too.¬† Bobby sabotaged that effort¬†I made to get them “clean” all by¬†himself out of greed. You see, he¬†NEEDED the other homeless to sell the drugs to (they robbed to get the money) and have pedal¬†that endless supply of yummy “fixes” for him and his Asian boss team.¬†

It’s all about the green, my friends, AND a secure and endless source of hard core drugs.¬†

Bobby was so, so, so messed up on heroine and ice….

Bobby was “the head guy”, but he wanted a daily shower horribly and grew more and more pissed as I continually refused to allow him even to enter my home.¬† He threatened many times to put a “hit” on me in an attempt to bully me into taking him in.¬† Yes, I continued to visit him regardless.¬† We just spent many nights hiding out at a metro hotel, thinking we would go home to a house that had been robbed.¬† The reality of loving an addict is sick!¬† Still, I continued to take food, clothes, blankets, anything i¬†could, but NEVER cash money.¬† Sometime in the future I will explain why letting go seemed impossible to me at the time…¬† but for now, on to Fibro!¬†



the auto immune disease

they “claim”

not to understand

many swear is in our head,

and demand for which has no cure….¬†

I refuse to accept that as a fact!



God has the cure.¬† ūüėČ

I became weaker and weaker, slowly not being able to get out of my bed day after day after day….¬† more and more tired….¬† I sucked it up for work, but pain began to set in really harsh and my pride of NEVER missing a day of work on that 7 day a week job set was threatened to be destroyed as my hands became unbearably painful to use….¬† My hands were and still are everything in my line of work….¬† I MAKE them work now.¬† Some days it’s just very, very hard to do….

Okay, LAIL, get back on track!!!!¬† Concentrate!!!¬† Get this stupid “FIBRO FOG” under control!¬† You ARE NOT that WEAK!!!¬† Yes, I talk to myself too….¬† ūüėČ

Well, I’m really struggling tonight with getting on track…¬† The past three days have been extremely bad, but I KNOW in my heart I’m going to be okay no matter how this works out over time.¬† God has a plan, I have no doubt.¬† I can think¬†straight¬†enough to add, ¬†I now¬†have Rheumatoid¬†Arthritis very severely too.¬† I spend most of my days in bed, sometimes begging my husband and kids to rub me to help work the pain out, even for just a short moment.¬† Meds aren’t working.¬† They made me even more sick and highly, highly depressed – suicidal at times.¬† I will not take meds again.¬†¬† I REFUSE to.

I’ve been told once you get one auto immune disease, it is common for others to follow suit.¬† I really am¬†NOT worried about that.¬† God has the cure.¬† It’s all up to him if¬†I will be cured, and I respect whatever he decides.¬† He is providing amazing people in tools to encourage me it is a very¬†REAL possibility someday I will not live¬†almost every single day in chronic pain.¬† Regardless, this is my own personal journey.¬† This is¬†an obvious “growing¬†pain”¬†I’m going through.¬†¬†God has a plan for me, that I know for sure.¬† I will not fight that plan.¬† I will work hard to settle in¬†and cherish each precious moment I receive.¬† I will strive to do as¬†my friend, Gabe, suggests and¬†live like a fruit fly!¬† #LLAFF!!! ¬†ūüėĬ†

That I am pretty sure I can do.


Hold On, Pain Ends….¬† Soon..?….

P.S.  Please forgive any errors/typos/run-on-sentences. 

My mind stuggles to focus at times. 

At times, I struggle just to get a thought out.

Gotta love Fibro Fog!!!


John 8

1 Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. 2 And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. 3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, 4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. 5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. 7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. 9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? 11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.


I was not SUPPOSED to wake up…. ¬†Why was I still alive????? ¬†NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but I had committed suicide…..

I woke up in ICU and ripped the hose out of my throat, the IVs from my arms, the tubes from my nose and I SCREAMED!!! ¬†I began cussing God. ¬†How could he keep me here? ¬†Why would he put me through this hell? ¬†What had I done so wrong? ¬†I cussed God and I screamed at him in that cold hospital room until they brought in my preacher, John. ¬†John, a very plain, young man stood at the door. ¬†He didn’t touch me, just stared in my eyes… ¬†I glared at him with hate and asked, “WHAT?!!”. ¬†We were very good friends and he loved me, but at that moment I was completely numb. ¬†I hated him and I hated the entire world.

John said, “Lail, sweetheart, you made a very serious mistake.”. ¬†I told him I could care less. ¬†I told him I would rather burn in hell than continue to be raped by my older brother. ¬†I told him my children, who were my every single breath, were better off without me. ¬†I was worthless to them… ¬†John stopped me in my tracks with what he said next. ¬†He said in the most calm voice, “You cussed God. ¬†He knows you believe in him or you would not be screaming at him.”. ¬†My face dropped. ¬†You could have shoveled my chin off the ground. ¬†How could I believe in a God who would allow me to be raped by my biological father and older, adopted brother for the past 26 years??? ¬†OH, HELL NO!!!! ¬†but John was right and that fact that so calmly slipped from his mouth slapped me right across the face as hard as it could have hit. ¬†I really DID believe in God. ¬†I loved God with every single ounce of my being, every breath I took into my body… ¬†

John went on to say, “Lail, you are not going to burn in hell. ¬†God knows you have had more than you could bare. ¬†You did not die for a reason. ¬†You have a purpose here on earth. ¬†God is not through with you yet. ¬†You WILL serve God very well.”. ¬†I whispered to John, “How could I ever forgive myself for what I have done to my husband and children? ¬†Look what hell I am putting them through. ¬†I committed suicide and I am such a piece of shit I can’t even do that well… ¬†I am not worthy of serving God.”. ¬†Tears began to stream down my face and my body weakened rapidly. ¬†John wrapped his arms around me, holding me up gently. ¬†I laid my head on his shoulder and silently wept… ¬†As he stroked my hair softly, he said so simply and with confidence, “Jesus did not die on that cross in vain. ¬†He died for our sins. ¬†You are forgiven by your true father, God. ¬†If God forgives you, what makes your opinion more powerful than God. ¬†Are you going to slap God across the face and tell him he sacrificed his only son for nothing? ¬†He loves you, Lail.”. ¬†

At that very moment, in the loving arms of my precious friend and my pastor, I realized a solid fact. ¬†I did not get to choose to whom I was born. ¬†I do not get to choose when I die. ¬†My life is COMPLETELY in the hands of my loving, heavenly father. ¬†I have no control and I had wasted so much precious time fighting God for control. ¬†I realized I was a Christian and God’s precious child too. ¬†I realized I was loved unconditionally for the first time in my life and God loves me so much he forgave me for every mistake I had made. ¬†He washed me clean. ¬†God is so very, very good to me….



Please listen to MercyMe sing “SPOKEN FOR” with me.

On June 4th, 2005 I took 88 muscle relaxers with a full liter of vodka.

It was approximately 3 hours before I was discovered.

It was at least 2 hours after being discover that I hit the ER in Seiling, Oklahoma.

The secret I kept was deadly.

The day before my older brother had attempted to rape me once again.

I had no voice.

By the grace of God, today I am alive and happy.

I am spoken for.

So are you.


UPDATE 09-03-2013:





You Showed Me.

To the family I was born to.

He started when I was just a little girl…. ¬†I was only 7 years old….

To all the people from my hometown of Taloga, Oklahoma and the others in that rural area who treated our family horrible, bullying and abusing my children, after I finally found my voice to admit to the world the years and years and years I lived with the secret of my older brother raping me.

To all of you who made excuses for him…¬†

To all of you who told me I wanted it….

To all of you who said it was MY fault.

Click below this right here on that link. ¬†You will see just how¬†….

You Showed Me.


by Carlos Harleaux

Thank you for your hate

It just made me love harder

Thank you for your doubt

It just gives me more fuel

To overcome these obstacles

And show you who’s the fool

Thank you for your negativity

It just builds for my success

Thank you for your lies

That just brought the truth to light

Thank you for the heartaches

It just made my skin thicker

Thanks for the betrayal

That made me take a second look

And understand the reality that you

Were never a real friend in my book

Thank you for your envy, jealousy and rage

You just let me know you’re not content

Within yourself

Maybe you should do you

And not somebody else

Thank you for those who said

That I was nothing

Pay attention, you got a customer

In the drive through coming

The same things you thought

Would drown me are keeping me afloat

The rocks you threw to crush me with

Are now my stepping stones

All you did was show me how

To survive in a den full of snakes

The victory wouldn’t be as sweet

If it didn’t come with a little pain

Thanks for showing me the way…..


You are so blind and you live in denial.

‚̧¬†I will pray for YOU to be healed. ¬†In Christ, I do love you. ‚̧

Matthew 18

The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

¬†1¬†At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, ‚ÄúWho, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?‚ÄĚ

 2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

Causing to Stumble

¬†¬†¬†¬†6¬†‚ÄúIf anyone causes one of these little ones‚ÄĒthose who believe in me‚ÄĒto stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.¬†7¬†Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!¬†8¬†If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire.¬†9¬†And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

Meet my friend, Samantha Gluck!


Excerpt from my feature story on adult onset eating disorders in Balanced Living Magazine:

Each year, pediatricians see increasing numbers of very young children, who have fallen prey to eating disorders (EDs), in their clinics and hospitals.  But the specter of anorexia, bulimia, and other eating-related disorders can manifest in people of any age.  Increasingly, women in their thirties and forties fall prey to these devastating psychological disorders.

Starving in Midlife

Psychiatrists and mental health professionals are reporting steadily increasing numbers of fully adult women presenting with these disorders, which usually develop in the preteen or teenage years. For these people, a major life change or crisis serves as the catalyst for the development of eating disorders. Divorce and loss of a loved one or job represent events that can trigger deterioration of psychological well-being leading to the initial appetite and weight loss. The control these women feel, due…

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