A LIE IS A LIE. THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH. REGARDLESS.

My all-time favorite song. Click here to see where I found a HERO.

After I came forward and revealed the truth to the world (the small town with only around 300 people who I had grown up with:  Taloga, Oklahoma.) about the abuse I had lived and somehow survived, oh the haters came flying out of the woodwork! 

OH YES, I HEARD THIS SOOOO MANY TIMES….  EVEN FROM THE PEOPLE IN TOWN ONCE I TOLD…            

I STILL DO THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.

You see, when you come from a town that small, it’s like a family. Nobody ever would have guessed the terror that had gone on behind closed doors in the home of a well respected family. Everything appeared just fine, secrets were hidden very well, as the most cruel secrets always are. How dare I try to say their fantasy wasn’t real??? 

Pictured above:

Me with my fiance, Mike, holding my baby cousin, Taylor.  I was 17.  Mike had no clue about the rape and incest I was living through.

I was scared and I was ashamed.

To shorten this story, I’ll just say I made a complete idiot of myself trying to convince people I was telling the truth. Why, you wonder??? My older brother who had started raping me when I was only 7 years old after I was taken away from my drug addicted mom and dad had always said, “Go ahead and tell, nobody will believe you.”. I didn’t want him to be right, but he was… 

Another thing that was causing my heart to bleed so heavily was that my older brother continued to rape others and my older sister, the wealthy attorney, kept buying him out of trouble. Yes, my friends, money can buy freedom. That’ll have to be a whole different story. 

The result of my idiotic breakdown was people I had hardly ever even spoken to, many I did not even know, started creating painful versions they created THEMSELVES of MY life story… Oh, God it hurt so bad! Everytime I heard a version by someone who had courage enough to ask me, I relived the abuse all over again as I told the curious one the TRUE story..

That’s all far in the past now. I convinced my husband and children I had to escape and try to save my sanity. I was slowly dying living in that town and five miles down the road from the man, my older adopted brother, who wanted badly to punish and destroy me.

1994 

Me at age 17 with my grandfather, Gail, who raised me; my older brother J…., who raped me all those years;

and my baby brother, Bobby.

I could really care less about being judged anymore. I found God and God is to this day helping me constantly with my recovery. I choose to share my story even though my older brother and sister threatened to continue to punish me in anyway possible. I’ll tell you why I share. 

I no longer need to be heard, I’m past that. There are so many others who never speak. They live in silent suffering. If I can help even one soul survive the torcher abusers sentence them to, what happened to me had a purpose. I will leave behind a legacy. I will have suffered for the greater good, in hopes my sacrifice will be shared to save lives across the world giving a voice to those who were robbed though their own personal journey.

Be strong and carry on. A lie is a lie and the truth is the truth regardless. ♥ Lail

1983

ME RIGHT WHEN MY OLDER BROTHER STARTED RAPING ME.

ME A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AGO, DECEMBER OF 2010,

DYING A SLOW DEATH LIVING 5 MILES FROM MY OLDER BROTHER.  TRAPPED.

SUMMER OF 2011

I BEGAN TO FIGHT TO GET MY CONTROL OF MY LIFE AND RECOVER FROM THE 31 YEARS OF ABUSE.

OCTOBER 31, 2011

HALLOWEEN I WAS STILL SO SAD, SEEKING ANSWERS, BUT I DRESSED UP FOR FUN ANYWAY….

ME AS JESSICA RABBIT STARING IN FLASHDANCE.  😉

ME NOW.  MARCH 2012

I SURVIVED AND I AM VERY MUCH ALIVE.  DOING WELL.  🙂

yet, so many more stories I will share, 

and the big kicker, some things may never heal…

my health.

 

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UNFAITHFUL decides to share….

UNFAITHFUL

I feel every word as Rihanna sings…  Heaviness fills my heart…  

CLICK ME IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL….

“Anybody who says it is impossible to be in love with more than one person has no idea the power of love.”  

~ ❤ ~Lail Ann Haynes~ ❤ ~

IT IS VERY POSSIBLE

 by Lail Ann Haynes

Affairs are not always physical.  The most difficult affair is the affair of the heart…  Falling in love is not something planned.  So many of us have found ourselves falling head over heels at the most inconvenient time when we are not looking for that deep emotional connection at all.  We always tell that single friend that love will happen when they least expect it.  Well, never say never.  It happens to married people too….

That affair of the heart may happen completely innocently.  Many end up getting themselves into that painful, confusing position in the work place.  I think the way it happens is many actually spend more time with their co-workers than they do with their spouse.  It also happens more time than not in friendship…  Many people are more connected to their friend at so many times throughout life than they are to their spouse, especially during the most trying times that strain a marriage.  Who do we turn to for comfort when that loneliness in a marriage sets in? When we feel our spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t understand?   …  our friends.  Nobody wins when this happens.  No matter how it works out, NOBODY WINS.

Morals….  Oh, don’t think it doesn’t hurt the unloyal, even if the affair is never physical.  The person in the middle constantly beats them self up…  They feel miserable that they can’t control their emotions.  They feel lost because they never expected it to happen to them.  Not everybody who ends up in this situation is a hurtful, calculating player.  Be careful to judge others because just when you do, it could happen to you.  You can’t judge what you haven’t lived.  Life always has a way of proving you wrong…  ❤

THE PAIN OF LONGING

by UNFAITHFUL

I can’t get you out of my mind…

I want to feel your body next to mine…

All I need is to look deep into your eyes…

The thought of you consumes me all the time…

Desire and longing have locked me in their embrace…

I need to feel your arms around my waist…

I long for your tenderness,

I long for your touch…

I long to be together,

I long for that rush…

I know it’s wrong,

I feel deceitful and lost…

Even when you pull away,

My mind can’t help but stray,

Without you,

I feel lost…

Children live what they learn. Teach your children with TLC.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.


If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

I have three children.  They are more than I ever dreamed to me.  

Abigail Kate is 15.  Winston Ellis is 13.  Alexandra Louise is 10.

We call them Abbie, Bubba and Lexi.

They are our UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  

Because of my struggles to recover from 31 years of mental, physical, AND sexual abuse, they too have lived more than what is “fair” in such a short period of life.  THAT is not okay with me.  I have yet to completely come to terms with THAT.  I talk to God about THAT every single day.  You see, my last attack by my older, adopted brother, who started raping me at age 7, happened two years ago next month.  THAT is going to take quite awhile for you to understand AND for me to explain….  

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I am their Mommy.  I am Lail.

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I have turned every single thing that has happened negatively into a positive.

Typically when crisis has struck, I make it a lesson in strength, courage, persistence and show my children exactly how we all gained wisdom.  Wisdom is priceless.  I have taught my children that they can accomplish absolutely ANYTHING if they truly want it with all their heart.  I have taught them to fight through every single battle and to NEVER give up.  How did I teach them that?  I showed them.  You see, I am Mommy.  I am the perfect person to be the best example of strength.  I refuse to let my many abusers destroy me!  Yes…  there were many……..

I AM.

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DON’T GET ME WRONG, LIFE CAN BE VERY LONELY FOR ME…

“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.

The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.” 
― Albert Einstein

I have had to learn to walk alone most of my life because it is hard to make friends being so different as my person has developed to be.  I don’t see people the way others do.  I do appreciate attractiveness to an extent, but I am so picky who I allow around me.  I have serious trust issues, for obvious reasons that are easy for you to see.  I look past physical attractiveness quickly, I seek TRUE BEAUTY.  Anybody can use all the gazillions of tools in this world paired with time and money to become plain ole attractive.  That just isn’t enough for me…  I seek TRUE BEAUTY, felt by the heart more than clear for just the eye to see.

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THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, GOD HAS SENT ME SO MANY ANGELS…

RECENTLY, GOD SENT ME BREE.

My oldest daughter, Abbie, has been dedicated to a passion since a young musician appeared for the world to see.

JUSTIN BIEBER

Yes, Justin is a HUGE celebrity.  However that young star is so much more than most people realize or want to admit.  He started an amazing world wide drive to get everyone involved in charity.  Because of Abbie’s dedication to Justin over the past few years, she was chosen to be Justin Bieber’s OKLAHOMA STREET TEAM LEADER.  Her responsibility is to promote her passion and build a team in Oklahoma to do all kinds of charity.  She is just getting started, but she had already created a charity on her own before being selected.  It began as  @JBcoins4cancer on Twitter.  Can you believe she is 15?  Most adults never start a charity…  Bree is California’s STREET TEAM LEADER.  She is extremely special, obviously.  Today Bree shared something very special with me.  As I listened to the song Bree shared that describes her feeling perfectly, I felt that old familiar heaviness weigh down my tender heart and overtake my entire body.  I immediately new her pain all too well…  It’s a sad gift for me because I REALLY do feel other’s pain physically, all through my heart and physical body.  It got heavier and heavier and TEAR DROPS appeared….  TEAR DROPS embraced my body….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tjfvFYOZH0&feature=youtu.be

Click the link above and see if YOU understand the TRUE BEAUTY that is Bree.

DO WE REALLY KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT OUR NOT QUITE ADULT CHILDREN HAVE TO LIVE WITH?

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DO WE REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR PAIN? or are we too BUSY to really see???

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Please, take the time to give them hugs and comfort every single day.

IT COULD SAVE THEIR LIVES.  IT’S NOT EASY DEALING WITH PEERS, WE KNOW THIS.

Anytime you feel yourself slipping away from your kids, remember YOU are THEIR absolute EVERYTHING.

YOU ARE YOUR CHILDREN’S REASON TO SMILE.

CHILDREN LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN.  MAKE SURE THEY LEARN THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, LOVED AND WORTHY OF THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER.  MAKE SURE THEY LEARN THEY CAN COUNT ON YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY.

SATIN wants to seduce you….

CLICK ON ME SO I CAN DANCE FOR YOU. You know you want to…. 😉

Hello, Sexy…  It’s 2am and I’m ready to party…  You wanna have some fun tonight???  The club may be closed, but this party is still HOT!  I like it in the sand…

Do you mind if I lick you?…  or do you just wanna touch?…  My skin is very silky, rub hard or soft…  Do you wanna bite my lip?…  mmmmmm….  I like that so much!  Can I cover your body with my long, soft hair as I explore your sexy body some more?…  Do you like that?…  Oh, baby, tell me what you like!  I wanna please YOU tonight…  Oh, you would like to please me too?…  Oh, I would like that, I’ll show you how goooood you feel…  Your chest is so nice…  I want to lick your body…  I wanna feel you sweat!  At first take it slow, please…  Ohhhh, you like that right there I bet…  I love how strong your hands are…  I like it when you touch me just like that…   Move a little harder, baby!  You can make it kinda rough!  Touch me all over, please…  Lick me up AND down….  Can I taste you too?…  I love to hear you moan…  Tell me what you want right now, baby…  Do you want to feel how wet?…  Smother me with your body, love…  Press completely into me right now!  Are you getting close already, love?…  I think I might be tooooo…..  Let’s explode together!  I’m ready right now!  Kiss me hard as I come together with you…  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………………………..  Fill me up!  ……    Thank you, you are sooooo sexy…  I feel sooooo much better thanks to you…  Are you feeling really good, baaaaby?…  I am…  Mmmmm, thank  you…  See you tomorrow at 2!  😉

Next time you are out and a girl acts like a slut or seems easy, ask yourself, “Was she sexually abused?”.

Those strip clubs….  Simply ask yourself, “What secret’s are behind those eyes?  Was she abused???”.

I think you’ll be surprised at what you find.

WHY???

PLUS….  WE JUST MIGHT WIN THAT THING EVERYONE CALLS LOVE…..

MY SEXUAL ABUSE “SURVIVOR” TAT.

POLL – PLEASE VOTE. THANK YOU!

BOBBY is born. April 18th, 1979. Daddy hurt me.

Why couldn’t you settled for butterfly kisses, Daddy?….  

                                                     Why did my dreams turn into a nightmare?….  Why, Daddy????

You were my hero, Daddy…..  NOW I AM REPULSED BY YOU!!!!


They asked me why I never told….  my daddy stole my voice, that’s why.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE LISTEN TO ME????  

I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOU TO HEAR ME!!!….  

What is wrong with me? 

What did I do to deserve this, Daddy????

WHY!!!!

Click here to find out why my name is TEAR DROPS, PLEASE!

Do you care enough to listen to me??? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHcqaDNOqyI

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TEAR DROPS can’t stay away during this story I am going to share with you…

I was Daddy’s girl!  My daddy was my hero, like most little girl’s think of their daddy.  When my mommy found out she was pregnant, I remember them asking me if I wanted a baby brother or a baby sister.  I know dang good and well my answer was sister!  I remember them convincing me I really wanted the baby to be a boy.  In 1979 there weren’t ultrasounds to my knowledge, so to this day I still wonder how they KNEW it would be a boy….

When I think of the day Bobby was born, it plays in my head like a movie.  It was April 18th, 1979 and I was almost exactly two months short of my 3rd birthday.  How do I remember?  Doubters are saying, “There is NO way she could remember at a toddler’s age!”.  Trauma does that, my friends.  Therapists, Psychologists, Psychiatrist, Psycho Analysts; I’ve seen them all over the years and they ALL say the same thing.  Don’t doubt me, please.

My daddy grew different varieties of roses all along the front of our single wide trailer house in Woodward.  They called the “Trailer Park” South Downs and it is still there to this day.  I see me as a little girl standing next to my daddy as he cuts roses off a bush to take to my mommy and “Baby Bobby” in the hospital on that so very special day.

Daddy took me to a carnival in town.  It was the first one I remember being taken to.  He said we were “celebrating”.  Oh, was it fun!!!  Unfortunately, the fun ended there.  I was to become DAMAGED forever…

The memory of going back to our trailer is blurry and foggy in my head.  The memory that stands out is my daddy telling me he was going to show me how much he loved me.  I didn’t like “love” at all at first.  “Love” hurt really, really bad!!!  but his melodic voice continued over and over and over with those words of how much daddy loves me.  How good I was, how special….  I get sick to my stomach as I write this for you feeling the heaviness, the drowning feeling, sick, dizzy….  I can’t go on, I can’t, I can’t tell you…  I can’t.

Bobby’s birthday will haunt me forever…  33 years is approaching so fast.  I’m sorry, baby brother, but I HATE your birthday!  How horrible do you think I feel that I wish that day did not exist.  Oh, Bobby, I’m sorry….  I love you, I do!  You are my baby brother.  I need you!

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BOBBY & ME

November 2011

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I can’t speak so MUSIC speaks for me.

MUSIC speaking here.  Click me to hear: DAMAGED BY PLUMB. A song I want to share to help you understand….

Meet DAMAGED.

I am finding my voice slowly…  Hi, I am DAMAGED. TEAR DROPS knows me better than anybody… Be clear, please, DAMAGED not DESTROYED.  MUSIC is my voice when I can’t find COURAGE to speak.  Listen carefully, please….  

LAIL’S CHOICE CHARITY

RAINN

RAINN: The nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization.
One of “America’s 100 Best Charities” -Worth magazine

If you wish to help me, visit http://www.rainn.org

There are so many who suffer even worse than me….